Books Are a Deal Breaker

I'm not alone. It really is not a bad thing to be unattracted to someone with bad literary taste. Call me a snot, picky, high-standards gal, but, truth be told - your literary preference better knock my socks off.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/30/books/review/Donadio-t.html?ex=1364529600&en=79a8939314095632&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

Bitch of a Blog

As you all are quite numbingly aware, I have most recently been forced to analyze myself in a way that I have never done before. This causes me to think outloud about why I think the way I do and why I make certain decisions. One of the major topics in my life: relationships. Oh good god kick me now for I feel that this is one area that I have failed miserably. Since my divorce as a wee child (age 23) my relationships have been a turbulent mess. And only recently have I come to realize, slightly, why its so messy.
1) I have high expectations of myself, therefore, I request that the person I am to be with have expectations of themself AND meet my expectation of them. Oh lordy, big request huh? Yeah, I'm realizing this. I'm realizing that apparently I expect too much from others - though I really have NO idea how to fix this, what actions to take to make this less, or, not a hinderance to relationships. So, I'm stuck on this one.
2) The world is full of people. So why does this matter? Because... I want a relationship where my knees go weak and my heart flutters like CRAZY when I see the person. Is this too much too ask? I think some people would say yes. But I'll tell you what... I have experienced it. HA! Sadly nothing came of this. So what does this "world full of people" bullshit have to do with my perspective on relationships? Well, I believe that because it is possible to have a relationship with someone who makes you weak in the knees and gives you that stupid butterfly feeling in your stomach, that it CAN happen, and it should be something I strive for. I'm quite aware that is sounds rather broad and high-standardish of me, but, ya know... there are so many people in the world, how do you know that you WON'T come across that person who makes you feel weak in the knees and pitter-patter in the heart stupid? Therefore - how is it possible for me to be with someone who does NOT provide these things to me, when I know and believe that someone is out there who CAN provide those things (even though I really don't know who they are)?
3) Settling. I think people, older people, settled. Like they just met someone and fell in love in an instant, got married months later and are still together. But I think they did this because they had a perspective of the here-and-know. They settled into married life. Is settling bad? Well, that's completely debateable. It's bad for me - that's for sure. I won't settle until its the right time and right person. Thus, I can't settle with just one person who is hum-drum good and great and wonderful and awesome if there is NO weak in the knees stupid dangerously madly cross-eyed adoration involved. And even if I did run into this person, I still don't know if I would settle. I think settling is something from older generations that is failing miserably in the younger generations. The divorce rate is a great piece of evidence to back up that statement.

Wrapping it all up... this bitch of a blog is quite simply, a bitch. I don't know how to place all of this in my mind properly and whether or not I need to change my perspective. That's why I got my dude. He's great.

But this bitch of a blog means nothing in the world right now... especially as I sit here and listen to NPR and the discussion of our death toll in Iraq hitting 4,000 troops. Yeah my worries/perspectives/crazy-minded-madness means jack shit right now. Good lord I just want Jason and Rob home NOW.

Easter

Oh look, even when i live all by myself, the easter bunny still makes it to my house. Cool :)

suffocation

My cheeks are warm, my body is numb. I'm sitting here feeling like at any moment I will stop breathing. This feeling is one I fight. I put all my strength into pushing this out me. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to kick down walls. I feel sick to my stomach and my jaw is clenched shut. What, the, fuck. I did not think this would happen. I really thought I had moved passed the point of reaction - apparently I did not move as far as I thought.

Damn the person, the place, the thing, the inanimate object, that makes me feel this way. I want to say leave me alone - but those words won't come out of my mouth, no matter how hard I try to say them.

Huh.

Sometimes, I just don't understand. I mean really, I don't understand. Because of this whole internet hoo-haa, we are able to see things, notice things, read things, right? Right. What happens when you notice something and its a bit opposite of something else, and you are left wondering, is it you? Maybe I did not get the memo. You know, the one that says please tell Amanda one thing while you tell others another thing. Or, even better, please DON'T tell Amanda things until its too late. I'm sitting here pounding thoughts through my head, wondering if this is one of those "you are expecting too much" but piss on bricks I just don't see it. Seriously - I'm sitting here running phrases through my head, but, these are phrases that have no end because I can't end them. I can't make reason of them, therefore, they are fragments... and this frustrates me.

I really wish I could avoid that punch-in-the-stomach feeling I get when these things happen. I wish I could delete things in my mind. If only my head were more like a computer, ha, that would be funny :) Back to my original thought.... I'm sitting here trying to end these sentences and then thinking "What the fuck?" Maybe it is me. I feel like packing up and going. Far, far, away where I can just, be. I'm not adverse to leaving everyone and everything behind (except my dogs). This is kind of weird, isn't it? Fuck, I don't know anymore.

Something better

Im listening to a great band tonight, one that im very familiar with and know all of their songs. But tonight as i was listening, there was one song that hit me. . . Hard. The song was about the other person making the other wait, wait for something better, or better off. Basically a person constantly looking for the next best thing. Hm. Why does that feel so relatable (yes i made that word up), as if it were from MY head? Dont answer that question. Because im not answering that question. But what is even better, is that i dont know why i cant, or dont want, to answer it. Its like i can see what im doing, and i know what im thinking but something, or someone, is preventing me from linking everything together. Thus, im not ever fully satisfied. And i want to be. But i want my life, my relationships, to be like the my favorite songs. To be the emotions i feel when i listen to music because music defines me, my life. But i cant get that feeling. And then im not satisfied. Fuck.

that felt good

If you treat me like shit, I'll treat you like shit. It really is a simple process. We are all taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. So, if you treat me like I'm nothing but dirt, then fine, I can turn the tables and not be sweet and nice. I can just be cold. I can just do what I'm told and nothing further. You won't get a smile from me. You won't get chit-chat of this and that. No. You made me feel like I was not sufficient, that I lacked brains. Fine. That't not okay with me so now you have to deal with it. HA.

And the look on their faces is priceless. Maybe it will make them think twice.

Maybe Its Just Not Right For Me

I am getting so tired of people being rude. And maybe they are not being rude - but damn it all - their communication SUCKS. Maybe its because I expect things, I expect respect, I expect open lines of communication, I expect.... Maybe I shouldn't. I am so tired of feeling belittled or feeling that someone is being condescending towards me. What is WRONG with this group of people?? Here I thought this would never happen - and here it is, happening, again. Is it me??? Is there some memo I did not receive??? I'm starting to believe I missed a chapter somewhere. I understand that most people of this calibur are grossly the same and this type of behavior is typical - BUT - don't they see that it makes people pissed off AND it makes them not want to work with them???

I need a punching bag. Maybe that is something I should pick up - boxing, kick boxing, something. Something that will allow me to literally throw out this anger. Something that will allow me to get the thought of someone saying "Amanda..." in a way that makes me feel like I'm less than dirt and that I can do things properly. And I want to respond with "but that is what you TOLD me to do...." But I can't. I can't say a thing because saying something would be out of line, out of character, and not ethical professional behavior. So here I sit, stewing because some people canNOT learn to understand the intricacies or details of certain... things.

Fuck. Maybe this stuff is just not for me. Maybe I'm not meant to take this abuse. Is it abuse? or is it just me? Whatever the case, maybe it really is not for me.

Obscure

Im laying here with thoughts twisting in my mind. Im in despair for what to believe, what to think and what to feel. A song comes into my head. A face. Im picking up an eraser, and . . . My mind is shocked at the latest thought. A face. A strong desire to please, to see them beg on their knees. Im reminded of it all with constant reminder. To turn off my mind would be a blessing. I want to close my eyes and not ponder. I want to close my eyes and sleep. I want to cry. I also want to feel whats inside.

Run

I think my biggest issue is my quickness to change. As if im flighty. I dont want to be flighty. I feel as though the exact minute a change is presented, im on it. I think this is borderline irrational. And irrational actions tend to have the greatest harm. So how do i fix it? How do i make myself not react so quickly or be so jump at the moment a situation could change? The dude has his handsfull. I think this irrational behavior explains why im in this certain position. I flip-flop on emotions and what i want and then i get lost and become unsure and then . . Then i just want to run. Run so far away to start over.

Finality

Oh dearest one who has been my other half, who has seen me fall and helped pick me up, i pray that you will stay around, i pray that maybe, one day, We will find ourselves under the stars, making wishes and feeling completely satisfied. But now as i sit here, my eyes red from tears, my heart aching, i know that the next decision is not my own. Oh dearest one, i hope one day you can forgive me, i hope one day you can make sense of the barriers existing now, and help me break through them to be with you. And if by chance you are to leave, if by chance a goodbye is forever, oh dearest one please remember, you were the one who set me free.

no better time than now

Second meeting with the dude and my vulnerability skyrockets. Who would've thought? Apparently the dude is good. Real good. I already have an "issue" to manage. Ha! I mean, I have a lot to manage but this is one that requires real work, not easy work, like I have apparently been moving under. Easy. That's me. Hm. :-/ And now, now I deal with another crazy cotton ball in my head. This feeling of total frustration and anger because of a certain situation. WHY?! That is what I scream in my head. Why, why, why? I hope to work this out because this one, this one has a deep hold on me and I think I'm ready to let it go. I think. I'm not positive.

And also, I have to ponder, have my past behaviors and actions been, irrational? My tendency to move at a whim or be quick to flip the switch makes me think... maybe it's not healthy, or normal. I mean, no one is normal, but, maybe this irrational behavior is what intentially drags me down, even if it gives me a contact high (which lasts 5 seconds).

My eyes hurt today. For reasons unspoken. I wonder if it will be like this all the time.

One a good note, apparently its good to be vulnerable, and apparently, I'm "likeable". :-)

Accomplished

I recently went to ikea and got a lot of stuff for very little (i like spending little). The down side - putting it all together. But with the help of a friend who had proper tools (i still have not picked up the uber girly pink tool box) my place looks very nice. The past two nights i have made myself unpack boxes and get things in places because if i didnt, i was risking falling into the oblivion of thought which these days has not been a happy place to be. So i feel slightly accomplished right now. But what im really doing . . . Staying busy to fight back the tears. Staying busy to fight back the deep empty pit of your stomach feeling that makes you want to fall to your knees and give up. Staying busy to not think about why, how come, and will it change. So even though my feeling of accomplishment is a false reality, its the one thing keeping me from falling to pieces. Except my dogs, they rock.

Recognition.

How can you fit in when you are never a part of it? And if you want to be a part of it. . . But it never happens. You are fighting for something that may never be. You are fighting with all the strength given to you. But all that fighting amounts to nothing because in the end, and all during, you were just a wallflower, if anything. So if your heart is screaming, your intentions pure, your actions true and full of appreciation, how do you fit in, when its never seen? The heart aches as all energy has been expended and waiting hurts. How do you get seen if you are fighting? How do you get recognition when they dont even see your strength in everything you do for them? When do you stop fighting and give up? Should you?

Its 330 am and im awake obviously. My dogs decided it was not cool to let me sleep. As i was coming back into my building the cute boy who is pretty much a big deal stopped me and asked if i wanted to come party. Oh so cute :) i wanted to say 'im not wearing a bra, my breath is eh and im in pj pants. Accept that and lets go make out.' instead i said 'are you kidding me?' and gave my best 'im so thinking of smile' and proceeded to the elevator. Nice ride up with him and the other sexy blonde haired boy. But i think this means i need new, more party appropriate, pj pants. In case a 3am party request is had. :-)