I cannot really say that life has to be fair for everyone. If it was, it would be too easy. And we all know that when things are easy, they tend to be boring. But I know there are times in our lives when we all feel that life should be fair, because gosh darnit, we deserve it. Right? It appears that while we may feel we deserve things, and that we are good people, the world has a different pair of shoes for us to wear. We want to wear the black mary-jane Manolo Blahniks, but instead, we wear brown, worn-in, Birkenstocks. During the time in my life when I wanted to wear Manolo, I work Birks. I wanted to wear Valentino and instead I wore GAP and Old Navy. In life I wore my heart on the oustide and worked to please the world. Yesterday, and the days prior, I learned to live my life with my heart on the inside, and started working and placing myself first. This is my story.
College life was supposed to be an amazing experience. Being an honor student all throughout high school and being the do-good daughter and student, college meant freedom, experiementation and, most importantly, sex. The school I was attending definitely had a reputation of party instead of study and hook-up instead of graduate. My bubble had to burst at some point, and thankfully, my freshman year, it did.
I did not work my first year in school. I had a type of "allowance" from my parents to get me through life. It worked, because I remained responsible. But I also allowed myself to indulge in the guilty pleasures of living on one's own. Bulky and baggy clothes were quickly replaced with fitted, "sexy" and appealing items. The refrigerator consited of leftover chinese, pizza, and beer. Alcohol came with a price: suck up and be good friends with those of age. This was not a difficult task - fake i.d.'s were prevalent around campus, but I never let myself in to that pressure. Yet I did not stop myself from drinking. Let's face it, college was not just studying, it was drinking, socializing, and finding yourself. That first year definitely opened up my eyes. The tunnel-vision existed no longer. I finally saw myself growing up and taking on the world - I was happy. My fondest memories of college stem from that first year. I was free. I was independent. I was preparing myself for the next chapter.
School came with a degree of uneasiness I was not familiar with. Classes were difficult and the study time was intense. They do not teach students in high school the proper techniques for college preparation - especially if you were a high school student who got excellent grades with very little effort. I managed, though, and got through my first year with a grin. The people who came into my life also departed during my summer between freshman and sophomore year. They were people who changed my life forever and made me think twice about myself. The boy with brown eyes and a smile that tugged at my heart strings, came in with a bang and left with a shove. A friend whom I acquired and thought would be life long, lasted a mere 8 months. Would I ever be able to keep friends around, or see them disappear like the baggy jeans I no longer had in my closet? I was kicked to the ground that summer, I met the boy with blue eyes who stole my heart and caught me off guard.
He was built like a man, older and wise. His hands were rugged but affectionate. I found him appealing in his quiet demeanor with an eagerness to draw me into conversation. The subtle flirtations that existed were very mild but felt more intense than our first kiss. He was very different than any male I yet encountered and he brought an element of diversity to my life. I appreciated him then, and now, more than anything else in my life.
(to be continued).
