You've Got to be Kidding Me

When did my job title also become "A.K.A. Courier Service"? I really want to know when this change was made and if I'll receive a proper increase in salary and payment for wear/tear/gas on my vehicle. Last I knew I was trying to REDUCE my usage of gas and be more green - this fucking request is making me drive to timbucktoo for a god damn hand-delivery. What. The. Fuck. I don't want to. I did not know I had to obide to such requests. And if I say no? Well then I'm sure the snippy one will come at me like the ONE time I said I might be too busy, "Well, um, [insert very snide/rude face here from snippy one] Mr. X wants YOU to take care of it." Well. Does Mr. X want to pay for my gas? Because I DO make hand-deliveries, all the time. But I make them to places NEARBY. Ones that don't really make a dent in my gas tank, like this one obviously will.

Aw fuck. Whatever. I'm going to devour this lemon cupcake and iced mint mocha and try and smile. I have rage inside me right now. I swear I thought I was taking meds to help me NOT be angry/mad/depressed/upset??? Apparently I don't like this job SO much, that IT surpasses the power of the meds. Wow. Impressive, huh?

I need a punching bag in my office....

Happy Blog Bite the Dust

Chomp chomp.

Apparently my happy blog of Monday meant Tuesday and Wednesday should go to shit. No joke. The session with the dude Monday night went all too serious on my ass and I stumbled out dragging my hapless soul with me. Next week: ooo, get to talk about something that I've needed to talk about for awhile and apparently "there is more behind it" than what I think. Great. Woohoo. Party at the docs office!

Move on to Tuesday. Worst. Headache. Ever. I know a migraine. A migrain is an unfriendly bitch that says "no light, no loud noises, just dulllllll ache in the head". Tuesdays episode was more like this: what the fuck is that sharp pounding intense pain in my head and oh-my-good-god why won't it stop? Tears almost came forth from my eyes - I kid you not. Meds came and saved me for a few hours. I slept. Pain came back, jagged, mid-day and then subsided into a dull ache behind my eyes. "Go to the eye doctor" the boy persists. I hear him - loud and clear. I just refuse to think/believe/realize that my 20-20 is in fact, not so great. Huge sigh over here.... tackle the eye doctor soon.

Move on to Wednesday (that would be today) and it's just not pretty. No details to be had because it's just too personal. But let's just say that it's not a pretty or happy thought and I'm awfully upset at what I have learned. Why does life have to be so unfair to people? Gee golly can't we all just be WELL?

Of course, the one thing I'd like to do... cuddle up with something good, get a nice, warm, comforting "its okay" hug, ain't gonna happen. So I'm going to get cozy with some ice cream and my dogs because they aren't too busy. Remind me again why I give, and am nice, and give a shit?? yeah.... no answer.... I thought so.

In Case You are Not Happy

I have a hit a warm spot. For once, in a very long time, I have had a whole day of happy. The arguments that were had, the spats that occurred, the miscommunication and misunderstandings - they just did not cause me to crumble like usual. And that song that used to pull and tug at my heart because it made me think of someone who ran over my heart with a dumptruck? Well - I felt nothing. I mean, I felt something, but it was NOT heartache or pain or sadness. It was more like, "damn, I used to get weak at this song... its too good to get weak over and I'm too good to fall for it." HA!

You see, this book I'm reading actually has some useful tips. It kind of says when you are at a point when you are being hard on yourself or you are being down, to quickly capture that thought and give it the reality check and turn it into a positive. So when I say "damn I just don't deserve that" I quickly capture that stupid phrase and say "No. I do deserve it. Just because my past has not been too great and I may not be proud of the things I have done, does not mean I do not deserve good things that are right in front of me." The book says to write these things down - but I have not done that. I should - but I haven't. Instead I catch myself, and I backup, and I re-do my thought process. And I can't believe that I'm starting to see it work.

Like tonight, I have an appointment with the dude. The last encounter ended on a very serious note (when doesn't it though?) and totally caught me off guard. I was told I need to think about the why's and the how's and so I did. But to be honest, just TALKING about the issue made me feel a lot better. And spitting it out and hearing someone give me unbiased feedback helped even more. I can answer the why's and the how's but I can also say it's been fixed - I've let it go. I have taken it away from my shoulders because it is not a burden I should carry. And my oh MY I can't believe I can say that and believe it.

There is a deep topic for tonight that I really hope I can get some insight towards. It's been weighing on my mind for some time and I'd like to release it. It's like my dude has the switch that opens up my imaginary little bubble and releases those bad, wierd, crazy things from my head. Damn it feels good.

I'm slowly learning to take baby steps in life and not to rush the pace. I think I rushed through school and college and thought that being on this one path with one goal would be the best thing ever - maybe for some, but apparently not for me. I'm the uptight one who needs to loosen up the grip on the bar. And I'm loosening up and feeling a lot better, lighter, about life. My high standards on life and people are slowly chipping away - not that I'm losing them, but I am stripping away the unrealistic ones. And my expectations? Well, workin' on those but I think that that is just a huge part of ME. Take it away and what do you get......... thin air probably.

This whole process is even better when you find someone in your life who took you by complete surprise. I kicked and fought for weeks! I still do fight it, but a HUGE part of me stopped fighting and realized that the surprise was okay, it was right, and it was totally good for me. I'd really like to go forward with this - and I mean it - hands and feet all in - a real one this time, no thinking about other people, no eyes wandering through the crowd to find someone to eye flirt with, no saying/thinking "I want my cake and to eat it too" - it's a do for me and for him and that's IT. All in. I want it. I want to stop fighting it. (I know why I'm fighting it - I'm working on that.) So I'm hoping that all this happiness continues - not the uber happy that makes you want to scream - but the content happy that is good for your body. Content is not usually a word I like - but this content is different. This content has sparks and toe-curling moments - whereas past content moments were pretty blah. I like this new content - it feels marvelous.

I wonder if I should just tell my dude to come read my blog. Hm. That would interesting....

So in case you are having a Monday and you are not happy - just think about those lost souls who have it worse than you and really can't eat jelly beans while they work or listen to House music while they draft documents. And think about tomorrow because it's Earth day and we really should try to be more green.

Go Green!

So we're trying to make the world great. We are trying to stop filling the air with pollution. We are trying to prevent catastrophe in the future. We are trying to make the future awesome for those little ones we will soon produce (not me, but maybe you). This "green" phenomenon is taking over like cream cheese on a bagel (its best when its in every crevice of that beautiful golden wonder). I'm impressed. If I had the $$ to get a Prius I would. Or any other super cool hybrid vehicle. And to top it ALL off, I'm turning green too. :) Officially, I no longer have brown eyes, they are green. I can't explain it. But for the past month or so my eyes, every time I see them (because I gotta get really close to the mirror to put on eyeliner), or any one else sees them (its often, trust me!), they are green! There is still a bit of brown, but its like flecks of brown right at the center. So the world is going green and so am I. Isn't that fantastic news? Now if only I could get a green prius... THAT would be sweet.

Stress Ball

Greatest invention, ever, period. The person who created this item, this thing that relieves the tension that crawls in your hands when you want to make a fist and hit a wall, this thing that lets you move all that stress into one itty-bitty squishy ball, deserves a fucking gold metal. It's fucking fabulous.

I am billing to one case for 8.5 hours now. One case. Can you tell why I need a stress ball? And I bought a Diet Coke today. I don't drink soda. I actually do not like soda. But I bought one - I'm sure that explains how my day has been progressing.

I need an M moment. M&M :) And I need chocolate. And for fuck's sake I need to go home and take care of my dogs! Lord knows what they have done to my apartment by now - and lord knows I am so heart-broken that I cannot be home to take them outside to go potty. :( Its moments like these that I feel like a very awful momma.

Stress ball, oh stress ball, please, please, take me away....

listening to jaxx

Do unto others what you would want done to you. I give, you give. I bend and compromise, I expect you to do the same. Why shouldn't I? If I'm going to go out of my way to do something for YOU, why am I not allowed to expect you to do the same for me? I'm not keeping score, but I do remember certain things. Frankly, I don't want to keep score. But when behavior is consistent, I'm going to start noticing. And when I start noticing, you become a negative element in my life. And now.... now I'm officially in the process of getting rid of these negative elements. And man, this is tough. It's like taking that warm, soft, home-baked, fresh-from-the-oven, melt-in-your-mouth cookie and putting it in the garbage. Except in my world, I'm that awesome cookie, giving the world sweet wonderful things... and now putting parts of the world in the garbage. The toughest part about this is actually PUTTING those things in the garbage. I'm having trouble with this part.... I can admit that it needs to go, thats it not worth my keeping anymore, but to actually throw it away - damn, its hard. I keep questioning myself. Like, do I really get rid of you because I feel like you did something a good friend really wouldn't do? Or, do I brush it off, again, and move past it because, well, no one is perfect? I'm not expecting perfection... but the way I look at it, if I did that to you, how would you feel? That in itself is how I see life. Right now, as I sit here, I know of a particular person who totally used me. Yes, used me. I gave in to this person SO many times. I did so on my dime and ONLY at their particular time. Did I realize what was happening when it was happening? No, of course not, I was too wrapped up in the happy shit. Taking a step back, now, I see it was all just shit. This person took advantage of my kindness (and I'm not the only one who believes this, by the way) and used it to fulfill their needs - leaving me constantly wondering. Not cool. But because there is so much history, I'm still left wondering.... do I throw them in the garbage, or keep them at the curb, because maybe, just maybe, they will come around, realize their wrongs, and make it all right? I know, it's impossible to think they would change... I KNOW this. But my still thinks about it as if it could happen.

So here I sit, pondering the garbage. Its not meeting my expectations. Frankly, its not meeting anything, I'm only meeting IT at its whim (this goes for many things, not just the example cited above). I want the garbage to go away so that I can focus on the beautiful possibility standing right in front of me. The beautiful possibility that totally snuck up on me and took me by surprise. Totally by surprise. So much so that I feel like a hypocrit for certain things said in the past only because this surprise... totally came to me when I least expected it.

Deary.... this is too deep. I need to go eat cheetos.

Nunya

It's sunny these days. Warmth on my skin every afternoon. At night a cool breeze sweeps away the heat, but my energy is still sunny. A change has arrived - a good change. Introspective behavior has caused tension to release from my body and satisfaction begin to fill in the gaps. Truths that I had been doing my best to hide, to alter, to make excuses for, are falling into place and out of my life. I'm still afraid of judgment. I'm still afraid of hurting others. I'm still afraid of the patterns re-occuring in my life. But I'm not afraid to open my heart and my feelings. I'm not afraid to let down my barrier. And all of this, all of what I have made thus far, is none of your business. :)

Dont stop the music

I want to feel every emotion that ventures through my body. I want my finger tips to tingle and my toes to curl. I want the rush of positive energy to move though me like water and circle my body like aura. I want the music i hear to be my life. I want every song i hear and its corresponding emotion to exist in my life, not simply when i listen. I want to live the beat. I want to live the rhythm. And im scared shitless i will never find this and i will forever be searching, always chasing the sun as if there were something new on the horizon.