Lost in Me?

Oh I think this one is quite possible. I've gotten so caught up in having a life I think I might have forgotten to maintain me. My books go untouched and my dogs don't go on the leash very often.
Interesting how we get so caught up in love and relationships, the complications of them all and the inability to understand. How we get wrapped up in petty drama that really has no bearing on our future and yet we walk around as if it's going to break out backs.
When you think about it, those elements that make a person unique should never be lost. I know right now I feel like I'm floating along and not on a path. That's not me. I like a little direction and definition. I like to change it up and pull out the sporadic card, but I can't forget my core.

Truth to yourself
Is truth to your life
And if seeking a life not your own
You may always come up empty.

I don't like to be empty. Time to change the covers on my bed and get back to me. My core has been drifting behind me - must make sure we are always one.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Falling Rocks

It slips away before I can even touch it
My fingers outstretched hoping to graze
Hoping to simply touch that which has departed so quickly.
Where the sun shone for mere seconds
The rain now falls and my fingers dampen and become cold.
Staring at the stones below
No sounds to be heard except the rain drops on the cold surface
No footsteps coming near, only footsteps departing.
My head hangs in sorrow
My heart hurts and beats deeply
I cannot move or avert my eyes upwards
I let the cold air surround me and comfort me.
My mind scatters to any thought or action that could have caused
Such failure and departure in such a short time.
I turn over thoughts, quickly searching for a clue,
Something to grip on to, something that will aid my heart in beating fully once more.
The time was so short, the happiness so bitter sweet,
I still taste him on my lips,
I still smell him in the air,
And yet, as quickly as he has arrived, he has left,
And I stand amongst the falling rain drops
Wanting only to be still
In the place that causes such heartache and chaotic catastrophe.

Empty Surrounded

Those times where you wish so badly you could just hold someones hand. I think of a strong hand that is also warm and gentle. The touch of fingertips and fingers grazing the wrist and the forearms.

The companionship is missed and the desire to hold their hand is strong. Though my status changed less than a month ago, because of the distance I feel it could have changed a long time ago, much longer than a month. I have desired companionship in a very strong way for quite some time. The after work drink and kiss to remind each other that the day has passed and now it is time for us.
But hands and fingers are what I think of often. Holding hands is such a sincere and genuine gesture. I miss it and long for it.

I hope as time passes I miss it less and want it less. I hope to desire it less and think nothing of it. Push it the back of my closet and hide it for quite some time....


-- Post From My iPhone

Time Ticking By

Frustration. Disappointment. Disagreeable nature. Bitter.
All words roll off my tongue as I bounce inside the stupid drama bubble. I wish I had a pin to make it burst. To make all the words, those hushed and whispered, those spoken behind backs and behind doors, and even those spoken straight to the face in a wickedly two-faced manner, spill out and muddy the feet of those watching, observing, and causing. It's embarassing the association and I stiffle so many words and thoughts to not cause a stir. Not defending? No. Just not joining. In the circle of who is prettier it hurts them more when you choose not to participate and pisses them off when you ignore.
I'm quiet and observant. I witness the rope make a circle
and weave knots between the parties. The knots of mumbled and stuttered words that one was not supposed to hear but somehow did. Hush. If you hold your tongue no one hears a thing and therefore you're never part of the rope.
To make time tick by faster would be ideal. To make the hands move forward to a point where I'm no longer hiding and avoiding and I'm joining and inviting. I'd like to smile sometime soon.
This place is ridiculous.


-- Post From My iPhone

Letting go

((old but time to share))
Watching as I pull my hand away knowing that this time it is for good. I never fully had a grasp and I never truly let my hand fall away. But as events unfold and feelings surface, I realize now the truth behind your mask and your hidden intentions.

No longer will I stand and wait or think to catch you if you fall. I never carried a burden labeled you but I did carry a load of unhealthy thought and feeling. I was trapped in my own making and now I feel it is time to turn my back and move forward.

You spun me around to face myself many moons ago. And I thought I could hold you in that spot forever. But it is apparent to me you never intended to stay and I should have kept moving forward after your gracious efforts.

No longer do I wish to long for you or think of you. No longer do I wish to remember or sit idly by thinking 'maybe one day'. I know I am meant for better things and I know you never meant to act upon what you said. Never ill feelings toward you only tru disappointment and foolish feelings.

To you I wish you well in the endeavours you seek. I know you'll win them all as you seem to talk your way into anything. Contact is forever lost I am forever gone and our paths will, hopefully, never cross again.

In search of...

Something. I don't believe worlds can truly describe what exactly it is but I can feel it. If it existed in another's mind then I know it is fathomable and may equally exist in mine.

I seek honesty and strength paired with moral values and a sense of self worth and pride. I couple all things in an idea that could be a person or a place but I know it exists.

I've lately been thrown into choas of unhappiness and question of self purpose. I cannot help but think the chaos is my own cause and it's demise will be by my hand. To rid myself of the temptatious thoughts that have recently overwhelmed my mind may cause me to finally find the solitude I have been seeking. I wish things carried more clarity but I wonder if it is I who needs to seek out experiences in life in order to clear the blur from the lense of my life.

To know myself is to know my self worth and being. I'm unaware as to what I truly want and the direction I seek and therefore.... It's time I figure out who I am and who I want to be. Without the garbage that has last weighed me down and made a fool of my own doing in my own eyes.


-- Post From My iPhone

Dark Nights

I cannot help but my feel my heart is without.... As it feels it has lost many things and not just one. A pattern to life that things rarely turn out as planned or that hopes mean nothing in the large scheme of life. Strength overrides all other emotions and I am learning that my match, must apparently, be much stronger than I once thought.

Desire knocks at my door with tempt and tease, and one time I looked upon it as a favor to my soul. More to learn and more to gain. But at the end of the day, desire speaks to me less and I feel empty and without.

I want so badly for many things and yet for so little. I want raw desire mixed with passion and strength in something trusting and kind. Is this possible? I want to be realistic and yet I don't think my head is in the clouds or in some fantasy place. I do believe what I want is realistic. I know what it's like to settle or make things happen to better the other half. Though I wonder, what would it be like if I did not settle and/or things happened for me?

Truth be told I feel as though it's rather dim in my life right now. I'm not completely happy and with things slipping from my fingers, I go where my mind naturally defaults to when things get tough: I run. Not away necessarily, but I run for cover and maneuver for protection.

If only things could go faster then maybe I could really see the light at the end of the tunnel. If life turned around and stopped playing games, maybe I could see the sun always, and not the fog that litters my view most every day.


-- Post From My iPhone