Unreal?

.... for someone whom you've stood up for, defended, had heated arguments with but respected in the end, and cried over for fear of them leaving so soon and missing them dearly: to tell you that you are not worthy of their friendship? Stifle a laugh and stifle the anger - it bites. Can I make any sense of this whole situation? None what-so-ever. And that is how I will keep it. For the first time, in a long time, I am simply letting the situation be and letting the bridge fall. They broke it. They started the fire. I refuse to put it out and am letting it run its course. Friendship is weird, and when it falls away, it makes you wonder who you are and, sometimes, what the fuck happened.

.... something also happened a few days ago that has made me ponder, yet again, myself and my actions. How will my life change in a year from now? and will it be good, or will it challenge me every step of the way, making me question my decisions and actions? I'm good with challenges. I accept them and try and learn from them. But this one - this one is different. This one makes me feel like I might end up as the "ally mcbeal" of the world. And those who know me well, know exactly what I mean. I'm ending one thing, and it might just be that I will seek out the rest of my years as a single chica. Make me grin? A little. But then again, I think of something else, and I grin at that thought, and wonder..... what will happen? Will anything happen?

Life is weird. But I'm happy to say that I'm finally feeling a little more fabulous these days. A nice reprieve from the anger, sadness and irritation clouding my mind. And maybe I'll get a phone call soon..... maybe.... ;-)

For Everything That Went Wrong

I can't help but feel cold and empty. Not a bitterness, just empty. I'm not in a place where I should be right now (physically, not mentally) and its gnawing on me today. I should be there because I need it now more than anything. I need my peace, my calm, my fucking serenity. Just let me sit by the river and be - oh that would take away so much of the hurt and anger.

Things are happening that I can't even fathom and explain. Why am I being ignored? And am I being ignored, or is life really getting in the way? All of a sudden - too fucking busy to say hello? Eh - it's how it goes, right? I could say something, but I haven't. Two can play the game, if you are still even playing that is.

Why do things have to be so difficult? Let me take my time to think things through so I can put items into priority and not fuck up the next financial process. Please, just give me some breathing room and don't start harping on me when I say I need space. We all need it - and you know, in the end, it will be worth it.

And for gods sake, if I have to turn my music down, YOU need to shut the fuck up. Why do I listen to music? So I don't have to listen to you. Why do I shut my door? Because you are annoying. Not to mention you have an attitude problem towards your co-workers and superiors, which is a huge no-no in my book. Do not talk to me like I am less than thou, because I never speak to you as such. Treat me the way you want to be treated. And for fucks sake - think! The world and the office does not revolve around you, trust me, we could all do our jobs just fine even if you did NOT work here.

what the fuck.

you've got something to say, say it to me. Don't fucking walk around like a fucking priss and talk about me behind my back. And definitely, definitely, do not fucking start rumours about me. Did you ask me if it was true?? Did you talk to me about the situation to confirm your facts?? Oh wait, they aren't facts - because they never fucking came from me!! (truth be told, they never fucking happened, either.) You stupid people. You really make me sick. You really are pathetic like everyone says. Congratulations - you've turned away yet another person. Good job! You should get a gold fucking metal for being stupid and fucking pathetic - live in your own fucking world of make believe and he-said she-said bullshit. I hope you are proud. You should be. Lies and rumours take effort to form and spread - good for you that you got the ball rolling.

Smile and don't let it show.

If you break you will be exposed. If you crack the whole world will know. Smile and watch it all unfold - the bitterness will unravel, the heartache will bite, and the sadness will wrench. But it's all in the game, it's how it is to be played. No matter how much you want to run, you end up back at the place you started, regardless. The hurdle you jumped fell down after you lept. Going back was only inevitable, but how you finish will be the difference. "Shut your eyes and think of somewhere..." Shut your eyes when you feel the tears behind. Shut your eyes when you feel it is all falling down. Build up your walls and remember to guard your trusts. People who made you smile did not mean to hurt you. But the cold shoulder and ignored glances are not necessary. They should be honest and are considered cowards when they hinder a response.

"Shut your eyes and sing to me...." and one day someone will. I promise.

I'm admitting it now.

I'm not happy. The numbness is fading and my eyes are red.
I know where I want to be but I don't.
The people I want to see are for reasons I shouldn't be thinking.
If I hang my head in shame will it all just go away?
I'm torn between trying and fighting and walking away.
I had something once and I want it back. It was in those instances I felt needed. I want to be needed. But in a new light.
Why can't I just bend to fit the mold? Wouldn't life be easier if I did?
Create chaos with this mind, I'll tell you a little story.
I'm ready to let it all go because its faded so far away. Would you be happy?
Thanks for everything and nothing. It's my fault - I know I screwed this one up as well.

Stop me before I...

Say too much and push you away. It's clear to me I'm not what you think. You had different expectations, I apologize that I cannot fulfill them. Your wicked ways, the game you play, my little world cannot seem to fathom. Why not just say "Go away". It's easier when it's said - we don't have to pretend that a connection existed and now it has faded. If you are really there and you really are "okay", tell me. I want to know, I want to really, truly, know. An upside down cone cannot hold anything. Right now, I'm upside down. The only thing I could truly ask for, is that you listen, you understand, and you give me your time. Don't judge me and assume to know, when you never asked. Don't rely on me for something that I cannot give. You lost it before you found it. I did the same. With my eyes closed the image is a blur. With my eyes open the image is clear. But clear does not mean clarity, and it does not mean it's okay. If only you were to just say.... or do.... and then maybe I would.... or just stop me before I think I'm being carried away. Your ship is oddly shaped and I cannot determine whether I need to step aboard or stand and wave as you float on by. Talk to me... please.