I just wrote something fancy but I don't feel like sharing. It's too deep for a morning such as this... so I will go forward and propose a few thoughts.
"do you ever need me, cus baby I need you" - isn't that always the case? Why do we humans subject ourselves to chasing things that we cannot have or we cannot ever fully receive? You'd think that over time our minds and our hearts would adjust to this silly nonsense and we could protect ourselves from confusion and total fucking chaos. But it seems apparent that time and time again we make ourselves stuck in muck trying to figure it all out.
"do you ever want me, cus baby I want you" - and I want you so badly that my fingers ache and my mind refusing to change the thought process. It is as if someone went into my head and flipped a switch and I have no clue how to change it back. I'm desperate to turn it off. Because really, if I could, wouldn't that change my thoughts and put me back where I was, without feeling like my world has been turned upside down? Could we really flip a switch and go back, and do we want to? I can't say I'm in favor of going back if means I have to give up the good that has recently come - but how good are these good things, especially if they make me feel confused and utterly gooey?
"do you miss me, cus baby I miss you" - I do. And I hate every minute of feeling like I miss something that is so.... indescribable. Who are you to deserve such emotions from me? Who are you to feel that you can have that benefit and luxury? Though the thought of it all makes me close my eyes and picture everything in my mind, so vivid and clear. And when I open my eyes and see the heat rising from the ground and know my location is so far from everything, I want only to curl up and cry. It was supposed to be good for a long time and I was not to falter - but I have. I have faltered and I place part of the blame upon you - because you have helped turn it all upside down so I walk around with my head in the clouds struggling to breath. Why? Why oh why do we have such affect upon others? Why do we miss things that we shouldn't but it's terribly difficult to push it aside? Why can't I just fold it up neatly and tuck it away? It certainly would make things much more bearable...
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Sunday, July 01, 2007
when the wine hits
11/22/06
It's like a trip. The head starts spinning, the mind churning, pictures blur into reality. Is it, or isn't? Hmmm, good question. Why oh why does it seem I like to be a busy drama bee? Hmmm. Eat more smarties, okay I say. Let Ray Davies play! Vinyl is precious, we should all own 10. I should learn to eat more fruit, less sugar, ingest more water, think less about being a poo and more about just playing the fool. Play the fool! Ah, indeed. Read this, duckfuck! ..|., yup, thanks bud.
screw it all, i just want to be. oh, wait, I can't. Hold it in, just grin. Hmmm. Pink Floyd in the back Ray is paused. Shine on You Crazy Diamond, live, god bless the late nights.... A hideous blend in my head, god I wish I was just something. I wonder if I'll get that in return? Close my eyes and I drift away ..... darkness around... there are these hands, so soft, long fingers... they make me so happy. I think I fear them though. Ha! fear hands... silly, but its so true. Terrified I'm giving in so much.... oh here I go again, maybe? I like you.... Hmmm. I need to go to happy hour - I need to take my friend up on their offer to happy hour with them. Yes, I do. I will. Fuck this no social life bullshit.
Pull me in
Let me feel it
Like a star I want to be
Shining something, maybe brightly
Hold my hand
Help me understand
Its new and its good
God I just want to feel you
Wrap me up and let me know
Its not just me
Give in and give me something
Truth is, life won't ever be the same
Just don't let me fade
Don't let this fade
Fight it like it means to you
What you mean to me.
I <3 Pink Floyd, smarties, home baked cookies, lasagna wine. I <3 Jodi and Kimberly, Susan and Kelly. My rockstars and DJ's. I'll be getting a dog the beginning of the new year - fun friend for me! Screw all the other's, a girl just needs a dog and life is good. HA! :-P
To each and all, goodnight.... CHEERS!
It's like a trip. The head starts spinning, the mind churning, pictures blur into reality. Is it, or isn't? Hmmm, good question. Why oh why does it seem I like to be a busy drama bee? Hmmm. Eat more smarties, okay I say. Let Ray Davies play! Vinyl is precious, we should all own 10. I should learn to eat more fruit, less sugar, ingest more water, think less about being a poo and more about just playing the fool. Play the fool! Ah, indeed. Read this, duckfuck! ..|., yup, thanks bud.
screw it all, i just want to be. oh, wait, I can't. Hold it in, just grin. Hmmm. Pink Floyd in the back Ray is paused. Shine on You Crazy Diamond, live, god bless the late nights.... A hideous blend in my head, god I wish I was just something. I wonder if I'll get that in return? Close my eyes and I drift away ..... darkness around... there are these hands, so soft, long fingers... they make me so happy. I think I fear them though. Ha! fear hands... silly, but its so true. Terrified I'm giving in so much.... oh here I go again, maybe? I like you.... Hmmm. I need to go to happy hour - I need to take my friend up on their offer to happy hour with them. Yes, I do. I will. Fuck this no social life bullshit.
Pull me in
Let me feel it
Like a star I want to be
Shining something, maybe brightly
Hold my hand
Help me understand
Its new and its good
God I just want to feel you
Wrap me up and let me know
Its not just me
Give in and give me something
Truth is, life won't ever be the same
Just don't let me fade
Don't let this fade
Fight it like it means to you
What you mean to me.
I <3 Pink Floyd, smarties, home baked cookies, lasagna wine. I <3 Jodi and Kimberly, Susan and Kelly. My rockstars and DJ's. I'll be getting a dog the beginning of the new year - fun friend for me! Screw all the other's, a girl just needs a dog and life is good. HA! :-P
To each and all, goodnight.... CHEERS!
I came from somewhere
03/04/07
The years have gone by and quietly we parted
You never saw me grow, you never saw me fail
You were there when i was little,
You were part of my childhood.
The talk of you while time passed quietly
Was uneasy but not unspoken,
You may not have been perfect,
You may have had your failures,
But you were still a father, and a papa.
I always wished I'd had a closer connection
I always wished you'd cared more,
But I always understood that people are different,
People have hearts they may not be able to express.
And though people continue
To talk of things you should have done or did not do,
You were still a father, and a papa.
I refuse to think harsh,
I refuse to feel bad blood no matter what happened
Or what did not happen,
I am sad you have left,
I am sad you have been so quiet,
But I hope you are happy now, Papa,
You've left the world to be in peace,
You've left behind the best daughter possible,
She is the world's greatest mother.
Though I wish things were different,
Though I wish I could have made different decisions,
I understand and I do not feel bad,
I am only sad I could not say goodbye.
The years have gone by and quietly we parted
You never saw me grow, you never saw me fail
You were there when i was little,
You were part of my childhood.
The talk of you while time passed quietly
Was uneasy but not unspoken,
You may not have been perfect,
You may have had your failures,
But you were still a father, and a papa.
I always wished I'd had a closer connection
I always wished you'd cared more,
But I always understood that people are different,
People have hearts they may not be able to express.
And though people continue
To talk of things you should have done or did not do,
You were still a father, and a papa.
I refuse to think harsh,
I refuse to feel bad blood no matter what happened
Or what did not happen,
I am sad you have left,
I am sad you have been so quiet,
But I hope you are happy now, Papa,
You've left the world to be in peace,
You've left behind the best daughter possible,
She is the world's greatest mother.
Though I wish things were different,
Though I wish I could have made different decisions,
I understand and I do not feel bad,
I am only sad I could not say goodbye.
blurry mishap
04/01/07
These dreams I keep having
Fading in and fading out
It's a new person, their face or their name,
And I'm desperately scrambling to understand.
The distance will soon change
But I cannot determine if its an affect
Upon something real but so far out of reach.
This lack of knowing
This inability to understand
Causes the heart and mind to second guess.
I hate this tug and I hate this pull,
I wish it would fade, and fade for good.
It's a pain when I wake up and think of a face,
But it changes quickly because the heart can play games.
I wish I knew a simple yes or no,
I wish I knew a simple leave, or stay,
But this confusion blurs the mind and leaves me standing...
Wishing I knew more.
These dreams I keep having
Fading in and fading out
It's a new person, their face or their name,
And I'm desperately scrambling to understand.
The distance will soon change
But I cannot determine if its an affect
Upon something real but so far out of reach.
This lack of knowing
This inability to understand
Causes the heart and mind to second guess.
I hate this tug and I hate this pull,
I wish it would fade, and fade for good.
It's a pain when I wake up and think of a face,
But it changes quickly because the heart can play games.
I wish I knew a simple yes or no,
I wish I knew a simple leave, or stay,
But this confusion blurs the mind and leaves me standing...
Wishing I knew more.
creature moving
'You take my breath away'....
The heart freezes, the hand moves up ones leg,
It's a secret, we feel it,
Between us its a desperate admiration
Begging one and begging for more.
Eyes closed and lips tender,
Hands moving and desperation increasing,
The slightest touch, even a word,
Worlds collide as knees weaken,
On the floor and under the sheets,
Awake with a ponder.....
To keep it in or let it out.
Eyes to the sky, sun glaring down,
A dream of reality,
Goodbye's and hello's,
Walking through the city,
Those clothes on the floor
Fade into something unknown.
The heart freezes, the hand moves up ones leg,
It's a secret, we feel it,
Between us its a desperate admiration
Begging one and begging for more.
Eyes closed and lips tender,
Hands moving and desperation increasing,
The slightest touch, even a word,
Worlds collide as knees weaken,
On the floor and under the sheets,
Awake with a ponder.....
To keep it in or let it out.
Eyes to the sky, sun glaring down,
A dream of reality,
Goodbye's and hello's,
Walking through the city,
Those clothes on the floor
Fade into something unknown.
subject?
Seen from a distance, a far off reality collides with a dream. The tiny stepping stones lead the way in a weaving path upon the water's surface. Stepping gingerly upon each stone my mind swirls around the events from the stone prior. A tiny chain ties around one foot, connecting loosely to a stepping stone miles behind. To be released and truly be free - of the past indecent proposals and adventures left numb upon the heart. Looking out at the aqua waters barely moving, grazing over the white stones and over ones feet. There are no clouds, or storms, to disrupt the clarity. Sunshine kisses bare shoulders and provokes thoughts of moving forward. The warmth that moves through the body shelters the heart from pain. If only tomorrow the chain would break away - but time is a mystery. Each day with the burden only means another day of growing stronger. Strength when it is all over.... is more than one can wish for.
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