I have thought of myself as a warrior
With weapons drawn and shield protecting
But I stand here before you
With everything laying on the ground.
I fall to the ground to sit at your knees
My eyes filled with tears
My heart in my stomach
I'm pleading for forgiveness.
The scars on my heart are deep
The binds around my wrist brought bruises
My knuckles are red from beating the walls
And my knees are blackened by the dirt.
Through all the troubles and the stories,
Falling, wounded, and gasping for air,
A strength centered me and carried me,
It kept me moving and breathing,
My center was you.
I know I wounded you,
I know I bruised you,
and I know I disgraced myself in front you
Losing your trust and your faith.
But here on my knees
In front you and all the world to see,
I beg for forgiveness.
You have my heart and my soul
Sitting there in the palm of your hand.
My weapons are on the ground
I choose not them, but you.
I wish for nothing more than baby steps to your heart
To wake up to your face
Your hand embracing mine
Taking back what was once ours
That I carelessly misjudged and took for granted.
I care not for anyone else
I love not anyone else,
But you.
If it is not you then I will walk away,
Leaving my weapons
Leaving my ammo
And living my life in solace.
If it is not you then I will bow my head,
Take my cue and disappear.
I know my soul has only one partner in life,
I know my heart has only one perfect match,
You are the keeper of the light
That shines in my center,
I want nothing more,
But you.
Please see these tears
And these bruised knuckles
As I have battled the walls and knocked down brick
As signs of my fight,
My fight for you.
I wish only to cherish you,
To hold you,
To protect you with my strength,
And carry you through the rest of our days.
As I say these things before you,
Opening my heart to you as I have never previously done,
I fear you will turn your head and walk away,
I fear you will tell me I am not worthy
And that all I have to offer, as yours and yours only,
Is now no longer what you desire.
I fear losing you and everything that ever made me happy,
I fear losing my center and my strength.
For if I do not have you,
If I can never see your smile,
If I can never hear your laugh,
If I can never give you my love,
Or bed you with the passion we both have said
Was the best we had ever had,
If I do not have you,
I have nothing.

Total Anhiliation

With all these feisty battles in life, I come to wonder how I will really take on the world. With style. With honor. With grace. I'm able to spout wonders to those around me who need the motivational pep-talk to get them towards their goals. I'm able to tell them that it's about who you surround yourself with and your positive attitude - that those are the elements necessary to obtain your goals. How is it I can spout such wise words but find myself stumbling through my own life? There are a few things that have bounced through my mind lately, and they have been caused by myself and my friends, so here they are....

1) New job relocating to wherever said job is;
2) Become a bum, declare bankruptcy and start over (drastic and truly not an option);
3) Go to law school and join up in Navy JAG.

Sound a bit crazy? Drastic? Maybe so, but they are ideas and they are floating through my head. I guess this happens when you have been unemployed for 2 weeks and your Master's degree is clearly not holding its weight, period.

And also, why is it I am seen as an awesome person to many people around me but those that I really WANT to be seen as such, see me as something much, much, less? I do not understand this concept. If I am the same between person A, B, and C, and A and B adore me. What is wrong with person C? Oh don't answer because I clearly no why. I guess the better question is.... why is it that person C appeared to think I was awesome for quite some time and without anything happened, snapped their fingers and then thought less of me? Clearly this I do NOT understand and my head has no desire to understand it. Maybe yours will.

Cheers to all! Drink up and be happy. It's been a good week.... sorta.

A Somewhat Adieu

I wrote once of you before
So I will write once of you again.
Painfully aware of my current condition,
Paranoid and awake.
You glided over me and surrounded me,
Sucking the air from my lungs so my legs buckled when we kissed.
You clasped your hand around my heart
And choked out the light that helped me see.
I have no desire to dig up dirt
Or to speak filth.
I am beyond such forces and
I am beyond such cruel intentions.
You bit my lip once
When you kissed me so deeply it stuck close to my soul.
Like snow upon my nose
You danced sweetly in my head and left white, wet, footprints.
I wanted to spin and turn,
With you inside me,
With you all around me.
I wanted to hold you and protect you.
But you kicked and spit,
You burned and cut,
Before you had the chance to see the beauty of me.
In a quiet mess I sit and digress,
The lines between us could start fires,
And the split between us could be miles.
You hold a light so strong and yet so dark,
So passionate and so painful
I can no longer bare witness to its overwhelming flame.
I will blow out your candle
And make you stumble to find the handle.
I will watch you fall, crash and cry
Because I'm everything you desire, I'm everything you crave
And you are what I find pumping through my veins.
Take nothing now as you are too weak
Walk away empty as you choose to lose and clearly not gain.
Like a beautiful melody you drift in and out of my mind
You sweep over me like a sweet breeze,
You catch my shirt and tug at my pants,
But you are out the door before anything hits the floor.
When I wake gasping in complete darkness,
I brace the air next to me and cry out again as you are
Nowhere.
Take everything you never learned,
Take everything you never could possibly have expected,
Ball everything up you never did know,
And create emptiness from something.
You hung yourself by your own will
And you left yourself standing, hands in your pockets,
As I sweetly shimmied away.

A Choice

If I laid next to you, I would watch you rest.
See your beautiful eyes close and your breathing relax.
The features of your structured face,
From the brow bone to your chin,
I would trace my finger across your lips.
If you could hear my thoughts your lips may move into a smile,
A heavy dose of lust overwhelms
And wraps us both in the arms of each other.

I hold your hand as we walk away,
A quietness surrounds us as we grin through our thoughts,
Grabbing onto one another through gestures of romance and bliss.
One smile shared between us
No words needed to understand the meaning.

When my day grew cloudy, your eyes made the world brighter.
When the feelings grew sour, your hand took away the pain.
Sitting here wondering when I can lay with you again,
Wondering when you will learn all about me,
And when you will give yourself a chance.
Muster up the courage to let the happiness overwhelm you,
Embrace the beauty that was and discover what could be.

Don't let it slip away.
Don't walk away from me, from this, from everything that is good.
Life is too short for short breaths of happiness.
Life deserves long nights and understood feelings.
But to let it all fall away,
All that could be and all that started,
You choose to lose and never gain,
Something so pure and free.

We Made History

We did it.
In our generation.
The youth stood up and voted for change.
The generations who have suffered, stood up and voted for change.
We, our nation, united as one, voted for change.
Son of an African father and white mother,
Breaking down barriers and making history,
We choose you to bring us the change we have been seeking.
We vote for a unified country, a unified message, a unified change.
Our hope moved us,
Our motivation pushed us.
This is for the future.
This is for our kids and our grandkids.
This is for us, for you, for me.
We made history.
We found our change.