bemuse my emotions

Sitting here I cannot help but feel... tired. And I'm tired for many reasons. None of which really involve lack of sleep because I tend to get 7-8 hours every night. Physical exhaustion does not exists - this is complete mental exhaustion. I have been making decisions to rid my life of drama and it has caused quite the amount mental clarity to assure myself that my decisions were correct. I am a self-questioner naturally and so making decisions is always a bit rough. But my mental exhaustion stems further than just the decisions I have been making. It also encompasses my deep thinking of certain topics which I know are out of my control. And while I would really like to kill the switch and turn off this ability, I'm afraid the deep-thought process is with me for life.

Like I sit here and wonder... did I do something? did something happen? shoudl I be worried? And it's like fighting a game of patience where the game is you vs. you. Of course, when I get into this line of questioning I turn it to myself and usually ask, maybe I'm not good enough? maybe I should not have said that? maybe it's not me, it's something else? oh on and on this could go.

I just wish like mad I could make sense of it all and stop thinking. Stop wondering. Stop questioning. I wish I could disappate into the air and become the notes that come out of my speakers. I would hang on to that for dear life... because that would be the most amazing thing ever. I would not have to deal with this bullshit occuring in my life. It would be beautiful.

Oh confusion please leave my head. Please...

just one night

Take a step away from the pollution of life,
Stop thinking about words, and phrases,
Start thinking about just one night.

Idealize the touch of your hand,
The smile that makes me want to push you down
And send praise to whomever that made you so beautiful.

Close the eyes and dream,
Of just one night where distance was not an issue,
Where words flowed effortlessly, without doubt.

Take one night to let go of the pain,
To let go of the hurt brought on
By the doubt and difficulty,
The frustration and confusion,
Of showing something and questioning the risk being taken.

Allow one night to grip you,
Allow one night to wrap its dark warmth around,
To comfort us both
So we may dream aloud, together.

Give one night the opportunity,
To clear the mind and the vision,
For you to see my capabilities,
For me to see your inner world,
And wish that the night would never end.

Thoughtful and dreaming,
In my head the thoughts roll through....
"It's like I've waited my whole life, for just one night..."

Interesting....

Something has been misplaced and my stomach is flipping. I could have caught the error yesterday but I was so involved in another project it totally phased me. Now I feel fucked no matter what.

Also, yesterday, someone told me I look like Sara Bareiles. Hm. That's a first. Not sure if its truth or if the person was so obliterated that everyone reminded them of Sara.

I'm so done. I want to throw in the towel but thats not my style. I want to kick the person around the corner. I'm so fed up I could puke. I have a headache.

Can I go home now?

Stupid For You

Oh my how the weekend spins. You think it will spin one way but the wind blows it the opposite. How silly. As I sit here and type, things float through my mind and I keep having that little light bulb light up above my head. It's like a friggin' strobe light up there! The philosophy of you give, you take, I give, I take, let's compromise, apparently does not exist with the majority of the population. And when you say something, but do the opposite, people ARE going to question you. Period. My quick recap of events can be summed up something like this:
Friday: Dinner with BF. X not involved. X not going to happen Fri nite. X does not go out and assumes there will be X time. I give in - I'm like that.
Saturday: Work. Tough. Knee is having a hard time. :( Told X that it would not happen tonight. Me time needed. X said he wanted me time with me. Fine. I give. Again. (Also, contemplation of new part-time job ensues... new restaurant by my living quarters is very tempting!)
Sunday: X does not work. X and I make plans to hang in afternoon/eve. Night ensues and X is still busy. X is actually bailing and saying maybe meeting up tuesday "would be better". X does not give.
In summary: X wanted me Friday night - I gave. X wanted me Saturday night - I gave. I wanted X Sunday - X did not give. What can you say about this mathematical sequence? Yeah, exactly.

Tuesday is probably not going to happen. This is not the first time this has happened - but it is the first time I've expressed my distaste. This week may never happen. There are things spinning, literally, in my head. X said this but acted opposite. WHY? Dude. I remember things. Don't think I'm going to forget.

Anyways. Not looking forward to the work week. Not looking forward to condescending voices. Not looking forward to be told that I did not jump into someones head, scan it for all information I could find, and spit out exactly what was found in said head. Nope. Not interested one bit.

I've heard it said that you should turn bad into good; turn the nasty into something pleasant; etc. Well, I'm trying to think of how to take this bad work place and turn it into something good. I can think of maybe a 10% positive to my work environment. But more than that... can't see it.

Here I thought I could start to focus. Hm. I guess I'm kidding myself. Or maybe I just like to kill everything because, well, I have no idea. But I'm thinking that might be a reason. Who knows.

Here's to another week - may it be good and peaceful for us all. I hope.

Days like these...

I think about being in Colorado. I think about how I felt when I first moved there and how I felt when I left. And then I think about how I feel now. It's very interesting to reflect and notice how much you have changed; your perspective, your opinions, your goals. God, I hate when my blogs get deep. Because right now, I'm too feel-good to get deep. But I will say this.... there are things that I really want to say, a conversation that I want to have, where I tell so-and-so to STOP doing what they are doing and just BE happy for me, and express that. Because I need that.

So I'm slowly putting a lot of my attention into one person. Which is funny because I just read Just Left of Nowhere's blog and he mentioned he too was possibly going to focus his attention on one person. This is significant because that philosophy of "but something better could come along, I can't settle" has been shared between us (and many others I'm sure). So this one person is pretty darn cool and that warm butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling is STILL there, 2 months later. I guess that's a good thing, right? Too bad my ass is leaving this state this Fall and this person is staying put. Who knows what will happen....

That's it for now. It's a glorious Thursday, and it will be a glorious Friday. Why you ask? Because there is a retreat - which means my office is quiet and I do not have condescending voices coming down on me. It's fabulous!

Now, back to this database....