Sitting here I cannot help but feel... tired. And I'm tired for many reasons. None of which really involve lack of sleep because I tend to get 7-8 hours every night. Physical exhaustion does not exists - this is complete mental exhaustion. I have been making decisions to rid my life of drama and it has caused quite the amount mental clarity to assure myself that my decisions were correct. I am a self-questioner naturally and so making decisions is always a bit rough. But my mental exhaustion stems further than just the decisions I have been making. It also encompasses my deep thinking of certain topics which I know are out of my control. And while I would really like to kill the switch and turn off this ability, I'm afraid the deep-thought process is with me for life.
Like I sit here and wonder... did I do something? did something happen? shoudl I be worried? And it's like fighting a game of patience where the game is you vs. you. Of course, when I get into this line of questioning I turn it to myself and usually ask, maybe I'm not good enough? maybe I should not have said that? maybe it's not me, it's something else? oh on and on this could go.
I just wish like mad I could make sense of it all and stop thinking. Stop wondering. Stop questioning. I wish I could disappate into the air and become the notes that come out of my speakers. I would hang on to that for dear life... because that would be the most amazing thing ever. I would not have to deal with this bullshit occuring in my life. It would be beautiful.
Oh confusion please leave my head. Please...
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