old tale

Squeezing so tight the air cannot escape
Bodies moving together, united
A waltz of a lifetime, and its crashing to the ground
Blind corners and black hearts
Fists in the air and hits so bruising
Controlled by an element not in one's usual company
Creating chaos in the duo that once was.
Embracing the reality
Embracing the future
Standing with a heart filled with pain and hurt
Smiling at the world, at the new beginning
Air so pure moving through the lungs and soul
A sigh of relief
A sigh of regret
Gripping the momentum, kissing the life goodbye.
Hesitant no more, the chaos has been proven,
The shining light that once was
Beams no more into that little girls soul.
Praise and respect, lost out of fury and consequence
Pity and sorrow, gained out of disrespect.
Watching the tide wash in, wash out,
The water moves back, the chaos moves out with the grains of dirt,
Dirt as that star has now become
The little girl walks with her flower
The tight grip losens, the heart is free.
Embrace the new beginning, embrace the new chapter,
Walk peacefully away, never look back, there is nothing to see.

you walk away

The strength that once existed to uphold this brave heart, has slowly started to diminish as you have walked away. My smile is half its beauty and my eyes show half the sparkle. Letting go was not a feat one wanted to embrace, but a reality that needed to be met. Discussion of a life so different is unavoidably in ill-comparison to the reality that has been decided. Many do not understand this great and heavy-hearted concept and decision - to them it is just a "parting of the ways" but for us, it means a lot more. Life is more empty now as I realize I do not have the comforts that you so nicely have waved in my face. If I did, I would not be sitting here, I would be out there. But maybe that is another one of my punishments in this great battle and war. You are to be the one who bounces back happy, and for you to be happy, I should be happy. But I cringe at the thought that I am here and you are out there - and we haven't even properly concluded. I do not know what to think. Or maybe... my life is meant to be empty of things that you have, because I am supposed to learn. Funny thing, I do know that having friends helps you get through hard times, so what else am I supposed to learn while I sit here and my friends are...... ????

pools

Deep from within, gripping at the lungs, the stomach tightens, little air escapes. Hands clench into fists and the mind is full of fog. Walking into a city full of loud noises and harsh sounds, ones ears hear nothing, it is deathly quiet. Moving in a blur - everything moving all around - feeling like the feet are standing still. The air is so thick it feels suffocating. The throat is tight and few words come forth. A pain so deep and so intense, it may only be explained through red, puffy, eyes hidden behind glasses.
"I have become my own evil."

Provacation of the Soul

It plays heavy. Spinning around my feet are off the ground. Clouds are a haze, blue limited by white. It's blowing through me, taking away the layers, piece by piece. Closing my eyes its a warm summer glow, my heart skips, my hands grip. The beat is simple and marvels the soul. Emptiness finds no home where sound exists and penetrates the body. Racing through the veins, pulsating and exploring, never-ending, never-beginning. Eyes to the sky and its pitch black with stars. Smiles abound and the melody plays on. So beautiful and alive, ones toes curl in blissful feeling. To find the puzzle piece to match this soul, one who embraces the passion with a fierce intensity: perfection.

Draft

Sometimes I often wonder
Sometimes I think its true
Tomorrow is just another day, another day where I find you
Hiding from the emptiness that often pulls me in
I look up at your blue eyes, you smile, I grin.

Life works its way through corridors
Shutting down and giving in
I often wonder what life is like
Not to love and not to win

I'm a believer
That fighting for the right thing
Makes us stronger, makes us wiser
I'm a believer
Dancing in the sunlight
Opening my eyes, my heart, my soul
To life and all the possibilities, with you, I grow.

Top down and rolling through
California is calling true
In the rear view mirror I see you smile
My heart pounds and I look to the sky
No matter where the road will go,
One thing remains ....

I'm a believer
That fighting for the right thing
Makes us stronger, makes us wiser
I'm a believer
Dancing in the sunlight
Opening my eyes, my heart, my soul,
To life and all the possibilities, with you, I grow.

Maybe it's me

I can't understand how I can fight and listen, spend energy and attention, and not receive it in return. Do I give too much? Am I putting myself out like a fucking doormat? Sign reads: Please walk all over me and turn around when I need you. This kind of behavior is what I hate the most. I notice things - when you tell me something, I'll remember it. And I'll be kind enough to ask about it, letting you know that I was listening and I was remembering, even the little things. So why don't I get the same respect? It get's so hard when I have things I want to say but the people who I think would be there to listen, are no where to be found. Funny, I'm there for them, always. And I can guess when they need to talk, need to vent, need to share that mysterious affection that the world may not understand but between the two of us, it's okay. So why can't I receive the same kindness? Really, do I smell? Because I bathe everyday, I try not to turn the topic to my life because I hate when people do that, and I don't pry - I let YOU talk. But maybe it's just me. Maybe right now life has a different path for me and this is me walking it. Things are not supposed to be easy, and in no way am I saying that it is. But I would give anything to feel fabulous again.... I mean, really, truly, fabulous. These days I don't even think California can do it. And then I feel like I've sunken further, diving deeper into my little cave, thinking "now what do I do?".

Maybe it's me....

Why can't I...

Just let you go. Just let you walk away. I feel bruised every time I see you. It hurts but I smile. "Grin and bear it". And I do. But I'd give anything for you to turn around and cut me lose or turn around and pull me closer. This middle ground is too hard to handle. Don't you get it? You are walking on me as if I was nothing, yet you talk to me as if I was something. As the song goes "and though my life is where I want it to be, I'd give it up if we could just start again". I hate that you affect me. I hate that you make me feel like crying at the same time you make me smile. You have no idea who you are or who I am, but I adore you. It's a mystery what brought me to you but it's a mystery I keep close. Please let me go. It's Daylight that I seek and though I wish you to be there with me, you are not who I thought you were. And maybe you never were. Let me go or pull me in. Do something - but do it soon. You are a burden I cannot hold any longer.