Maybe it's me

I can't understand how I can fight and listen, spend energy and attention, and not receive it in return. Do I give too much? Am I putting myself out like a fucking doormat? Sign reads: Please walk all over me and turn around when I need you. This kind of behavior is what I hate the most. I notice things - when you tell me something, I'll remember it. And I'll be kind enough to ask about it, letting you know that I was listening and I was remembering, even the little things. So why don't I get the same respect? It get's so hard when I have things I want to say but the people who I think would be there to listen, are no where to be found. Funny, I'm there for them, always. And I can guess when they need to talk, need to vent, need to share that mysterious affection that the world may not understand but between the two of us, it's okay. So why can't I receive the same kindness? Really, do I smell? Because I bathe everyday, I try not to turn the topic to my life because I hate when people do that, and I don't pry - I let YOU talk. But maybe it's just me. Maybe right now life has a different path for me and this is me walking it. Things are not supposed to be easy, and in no way am I saying that it is. But I would give anything to feel fabulous again.... I mean, really, truly, fabulous. These days I don't even think California can do it. And then I feel like I've sunken further, diving deeper into my little cave, thinking "now what do I do?".

Maybe it's me....