To slow down...
You ever feel like you just want to kick back in a dark lit place and just listen to music? Put on the tunes that make you feel mellow and relaxed. I always associate darkness with being mellow, and sometimes the lights in a room can inhibit me from feeling "low". Not low as in feeling depressed or any of that crap. I mean low as in feeling like you don't want to listen to the world or your surroundings; you dont want to be bothered; you want to just be one with the music; maybe think about the associations to certain songs and the memories.
I remember when I was in higschool, must have been my sophomore year, I put my christmas lights in my bedroom. They weren't the blazing bullets kind that just light up the whole neighborhood, they were the dim colored lights, they were perfect for indoors. At night I would turn off all the room lights, flip on the xmas lights and put on Friction, Baby. I would lay in my bed and just be. It was the best feeling. I would lay back and think of the current boy I was crushing, how he was part of certain songs and how I just wished I could stay in the moment for a long time. I couldn't drive then so I stayed in my room a lot. Those times when I would just kick back and listen to that CD I was in my place. Some nights I would keep the cd playing when I went to sleep. I remember waking up at about 1 am some nights to "Scared Are you?" and would just listen to it, having this feeling rush over me of warmth, comfort and feeling like me. It was more than that though - it was those feelings but also somehow indescribable. I loved how I had that ability; to turn off the world, turn off the lights, flip on the music, and feel like my world was okay.
I haven't been able to truly find that place since I moved to Colorado. Actually the last time I experienced something similar was my freshman year in college at my apartment. I had my own room and was able to turn off the lights, keep the blinds open, let the moonlight in, and listen to Ezra. Then I was listening to a new copy of Closer and I also listend to Garden, but not as much as. There were times when I would also go see my friends in Cave Creek and I would purposely take the Loop 101 to Pima Rd and cruise down that street to the coffee house. Pima rd has a lot of memories. I remember driving that road late at night to get to a boys house in Mesa. I remember driving that road to go see my best friend and to go to Prom. My best memories are late at night, blasting the stereo in my truck, and having that feeling overwhelm me; I felt like me.
I pray that I find that place, that feeling, again. I feel that as much as I am dependent I am also very independent. And I think this is a feeling that arises out of being independent, and will only happen again when I find my own space. Just like it happened when I was in my own room by myself and when I drove in my truck alone.
I miss those days. And my regrets are part of those days slipping by too fast. My regrets incorporate me feeling like I had to rush, I had to move quickly, I had to be the mature and adult person. I regret I went too fast and did not enjoy those things that I should have. I love my life now, but I wish I could go back some days just to have more moments like described above. I dont regret the choices I have made; I regret being too adult-like when I should have been young and a teenager. I regret being too quick about life and wanting to feel so grown up; now I want to be young and have fun. I sometimes wonder about my friends who are single and living life on their own; and sometimes I wish I was them. Thinking about life without my hb is hard though, he's my rock. So even though I wish I was them, I also wish I could have him too. I laugh at this but it is something I have fathomed: being married but living separately. No no, I'm not unhappy with my marriage, I completely adore him! I just feel like I need my independence, but I don't want to lose him either. It's a battle I'll never win and I hope to never fight. Those are just my thoughts because I am young and still do feel like I need my space. But with him, I have the world, so why ever give it up? Exactly the reason I won't.
