[snippet]
"You can't possibly expect me to believe that," she said, her eyes wide and unblinking. She held her iced coffee mid-air, as if the news just given to her shocked her hand like a statue. "Indeed it is," I muttered. I lowered my eyes to avoid her stare. I knew what she was thinking. My decision to move from the big city to the coast was never a topic she enjoyed discussing at length. It was as if the idea of her best friend from childhood being states away meant losing her childhood and her other half. I felt the same, but also felt our bond could never disappear. She was my partner in crime. Our lives had taken us to Europe three times, separated at Universities with miles of hills, treetops, and rolling green between. Though our life goal was always to come back to the city, build our lives and have families in tight-knit neighborhoods, we both knew that my life was not hers.
"What made you feel the decision was final?" she asked. She set her drink down and folded her hands in her lap. Her impeccable posture waned as her shoulders slouched forward. Her eyes closed slightly as if the saddness weighed down her lids.
"Job. Lifestyle. Housing. So many things. And you know I'm not one to have children, build a family and settle down. Its not in my cards. Not saying I'm not happy here, but I need more scenery to see. You want a family and you are on that road. My road is still being laid, piece by piece." I looked at her face and watched her eyes as I spoke. My words were so true that my heart ached as if I had admitted them for the first time to myself.
For years now I had been feeling an ache inside my chest. My fingers and thoughts could never pinpoint its location or reason. With each step I took, each date I went on, each new project I landed at work, the ache stepped with me. It was like I was walking around with this invisible fog over my head in which sunlight poked through at certain moments, but something inevitably pushed it aside and never let it shine down with all its force.
Three months ago I traveled out West to the shores of California. My ticket was purchased on a whim- I knew I needed a break. I had just finished my monthly article for the magazine, one week in advance, and knew I had ample time to breathe. California opened its arms to me the minute I stepped off the plane. I spent many days on the beach. I read novels that I had been starting and not finishing, ones that lay unopened on my bookshelf and screamed at me each time I passed them while walking out of the house. My dog enjoyed the beach too, he took to digging like a child in the sand, his nose dirtied and his energy drained by sundown. My stay was only to be for a week, but California, and my friends too, begged me to stay a week longer. My editor agreed, "time in the sun is good for the mind, take your time. You can work from California for the time being, we know you will stick to your own deadlines." I knew the voice on the other line smiled as the last line was spoken. I had been regarded as the writer who needed only her own personal deadlines to finish a project - never did an editor or photographer need to bother her with reminders. It was a quality I took pride in, but was more humble than boastful when it was discussed.
The extra week lead to excursions in the wine country. Winding roads that lead down to hamlets and popular beaches. The bay area was a means of a which a mind could get lost from coast to mountains. The social scene was different than back in the city. Friends in California took me into a whirlwind experience of underground vibes. In the city I felt as if I lived in a closet because I enjoyed the deep bass melodies while my friends danced to more alternative and popular beats. I joined the crowd on certain occassions, but at home, in my world, it was a beatbox all its own. And in California, that beatbox was spread out like a table cloth over the streets at night and no longer did I feel I was the little girl in the closet. I smiled a lot in California. Part of me felt it was only because I was on vacation, taking a break from life, but another part of me felt I was finding something I had been trying to find for quite some time.
As I stepped on the plane to depart California, I felt the invisible fog come back over my head. During the weeks I enjoyed in California, the fog had been lifted and I felt the rays of sunshine hit me with a cosmic force. I dreaded getting back into the city, my realization was coming into focus with rich clarity: it was time to move.
She and I sat at the cafe and continued to discuss my departure. As I told her more about what I would be doing and where I would be living, she smiled in shared excitement. We both knew the next couple weeks were going to be tough. Childhood years, adolescence, college, and adulthood - we did them together. Now the next chapter approached and I was to begin writing my own book. As we finished our drinks she said, in a soft voice that I enjoyed hearing when I needed her advice, "Your next chapter will be full of sunshine. I know you are doing what you know is right, in your heart. We may be a million miles apart, but it will never change our friendship. You were always the dreamer, the traveler, the spirit that held a different energy. I want only for my best friend to be happy. I look forward to the first chapter of your book." I answered her words with a smile. Anything further would have made the situation much harder to bear.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
August 23, 2007
[snippet]
The wind blew through my hair like a boy who softly kisses your neck. It was a breeze that brought tingles to my fingertips. I pulled the cuffs of my sleeves over my hands for warmth. My legs were naked except the skirt that grazed on my thighs as the wind blew by. The sky was grey and the moon was soon to glow above my head. My feet stood still in the sand, staring out across the midnight blue sea, the waves rolling gently, harmoniously, as night crept forward. To be here alone, on a night like this , I thought, perfection with a bit of sadness. Pictures flooded my mind and my reaction was to close my eyes. For a brief moment the face came in to focus and all I saw were the deep green eyes peering into mine. For a brief moment the only feeling that overwhelmed my body was blissful pleasure. I opened my eyes and sat gently into the sand. My body was tired, it was exhausted, and my limbs wanted only to stop the forward motion. I laid my head back into the sand and gazed at the stars above. One finger extended from the cuff of my sleeve and I played my version of connect-the-dots with the shimmering lights above.
The wind calmed down to almost non-existent. I stretched my legs out and laid in the sand, my body as still as the cool air that surrounded me. The waves crashed in succession, keeping a beat for my mind to remain steady and calm. My heart felt relaxed enough to pull away from the hurt and pain experienced in the hours before I came upon the beach. My body felt calm from the anxiety that rose only a short time ago as the one who carried hope fell wastefully to the ground in dishonor and disrespect.
This evening was to be a musical enjoyment for the bright minds of the bay area. A gathering of intellectuals who enjoy the likes of Rand and Rushdie, coffee and wine, liberal thoughts and comedic duos. We raised our noses at no one and kept our wealth out of material view. My dress was simple: a soft fabric that flattered the slender and tall. My cheeks held a glow as i walked hand in hand with the boy who had the most magnificent green eyes. Our late arrival was normal procedure for all attending. The music only began minutes before we arrived, we knew our timing was perfect. The DJ spun the sounds of Bliss, Tosca and Groovecatcher. Our bodies moved with great pleasure. The mix of souls moved like the water that surrounded our world. We moved together in rhythmic beauty, aware only of the beat that made us close our eyes, feel the sound rise from the ground and into our minds. Caught in a moment I did not realize, the green eyes had vanished from my presence. When I came out of my music trance, I looked around, standing still in the crowd of moving bodies, and saw nothing but movement. The green eyes had disappeared and immediately I felt my heart sink. This moment had happened once before: he's left me once more, I thought to myself.
I gathered my thoughts and began moving through the sea of bodies. The DJ kept spinning the beats that entranced the wise minds. The place was like an old warehouse restored with modern walls but maintaining the raw edges of exposed brick, huge tubes of metal creating mazes on the ceiling thirty feet in the sky. I came to the darkened entry way of the building, the cherry wood bar that spanned across the west wall, allowed the thirsty crowd to spill into the doorway, blocking those coming in, and those dying to escape. I pushed through and my nose tickled from the musk and sweet scents wrapping around bodies who attempted to bathe in their perfume for a purpose I never could pin-point.
Once outside, I looked in the direction of the beach and saw the black metal sleek with feminine curves but exposing aggression at each angle. My bike sat parked in the same location as when we arrived. But the second helmet had disappeared. I walked slowly up to the cold frame that greeted me with stillness, I saw a white card. I read the words that were scrawled upon the paper. I threw the paper to the ground and felt only the need to flee the scene.
Counting the stars in the sky, I realized the moon had moved quite a distance since I first became relaxed in the sand. In the moment that overtook me with a startle, I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks but no sobs left my lips. My hands laid at my sides, my fingers feeling the small grains of sand. I could not move, my muscles refused to respond to the demand to get up and surrender the night. I felt I had to stay, to redeem my freedom, to let the dark thoughts escape my mind and be replaced by the splendor of the moon.
In the morning my eyes watched the sunrise from the deck above the cliffs. The ocean below looked rested and ready for a beautiful day. My hair a mess, my eyes blurred and ready for sleep, watching golden rays peak above the deep blue horizon. I've discarded that stupid note, like you've discarded me, good riddance and farewell....
The wind blew through my hair like a boy who softly kisses your neck. It was a breeze that brought tingles to my fingertips. I pulled the cuffs of my sleeves over my hands for warmth. My legs were naked except the skirt that grazed on my thighs as the wind blew by. The sky was grey and the moon was soon to glow above my head. My feet stood still in the sand, staring out across the midnight blue sea, the waves rolling gently, harmoniously, as night crept forward. To be here alone, on a night like this , I thought, perfection with a bit of sadness. Pictures flooded my mind and my reaction was to close my eyes. For a brief moment the face came in to focus and all I saw were the deep green eyes peering into mine. For a brief moment the only feeling that overwhelmed my body was blissful pleasure. I opened my eyes and sat gently into the sand. My body was tired, it was exhausted, and my limbs wanted only to stop the forward motion. I laid my head back into the sand and gazed at the stars above. One finger extended from the cuff of my sleeve and I played my version of connect-the-dots with the shimmering lights above.
The wind calmed down to almost non-existent. I stretched my legs out and laid in the sand, my body as still as the cool air that surrounded me. The waves crashed in succession, keeping a beat for my mind to remain steady and calm. My heart felt relaxed enough to pull away from the hurt and pain experienced in the hours before I came upon the beach. My body felt calm from the anxiety that rose only a short time ago as the one who carried hope fell wastefully to the ground in dishonor and disrespect.
This evening was to be a musical enjoyment for the bright minds of the bay area. A gathering of intellectuals who enjoy the likes of Rand and Rushdie, coffee and wine, liberal thoughts and comedic duos. We raised our noses at no one and kept our wealth out of material view. My dress was simple: a soft fabric that flattered the slender and tall. My cheeks held a glow as i walked hand in hand with the boy who had the most magnificent green eyes. Our late arrival was normal procedure for all attending. The music only began minutes before we arrived, we knew our timing was perfect. The DJ spun the sounds of Bliss, Tosca and Groovecatcher. Our bodies moved with great pleasure. The mix of souls moved like the water that surrounded our world. We moved together in rhythmic beauty, aware only of the beat that made us close our eyes, feel the sound rise from the ground and into our minds. Caught in a moment I did not realize, the green eyes had vanished from my presence. When I came out of my music trance, I looked around, standing still in the crowd of moving bodies, and saw nothing but movement. The green eyes had disappeared and immediately I felt my heart sink. This moment had happened once before: he's left me once more, I thought to myself.
I gathered my thoughts and began moving through the sea of bodies. The DJ kept spinning the beats that entranced the wise minds. The place was like an old warehouse restored with modern walls but maintaining the raw edges of exposed brick, huge tubes of metal creating mazes on the ceiling thirty feet in the sky. I came to the darkened entry way of the building, the cherry wood bar that spanned across the west wall, allowed the thirsty crowd to spill into the doorway, blocking those coming in, and those dying to escape. I pushed through and my nose tickled from the musk and sweet scents wrapping around bodies who attempted to bathe in their perfume for a purpose I never could pin-point.
Once outside, I looked in the direction of the beach and saw the black metal sleek with feminine curves but exposing aggression at each angle. My bike sat parked in the same location as when we arrived. But the second helmet had disappeared. I walked slowly up to the cold frame that greeted me with stillness, I saw a white card. I read the words that were scrawled upon the paper. I threw the paper to the ground and felt only the need to flee the scene.
Counting the stars in the sky, I realized the moon had moved quite a distance since I first became relaxed in the sand. In the moment that overtook me with a startle, I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks but no sobs left my lips. My hands laid at my sides, my fingers feeling the small grains of sand. I could not move, my muscles refused to respond to the demand to get up and surrender the night. I felt I had to stay, to redeem my freedom, to let the dark thoughts escape my mind and be replaced by the splendor of the moon.
In the morning my eyes watched the sunrise from the deck above the cliffs. The ocean below looked rested and ready for a beautiful day. My hair a mess, my eyes blurred and ready for sleep, watching golden rays peak above the deep blue horizon. I've discarded that stupid note, like you've discarded me, good riddance and farewell....
Friday, August 03, 2007
Hystereo in my ears
I rant like a rant from someone who doesn't know... the reality of life, the ebb and flow, the give and take, the heartache. Silly me. Sometimes it takes time, even when we feel we have run out of patience. Though it sucks to sit back and watch it unfold, without seeing yourself in the picture, it's the reality. There are things in life we cannot have, and this reality is very hard for most to deal with. So how do you push forward knowing you cannot have something, even though it pesters in your mind like a dull ache? This where I realize, sometimes you cannot do a thing. As I have become accustom to... the dull ache may plague me forever, even though I wish like mad it would just depart from me like a breath of air.
here goes
July 31, 2007:
This has been circling in my head for a long time and I guess it's about time I spit it out....
From afar people have looked at you and wondered what made your world spin brightly. Glancing at you as if you were unbreakable, unbeatable, and wise beyond your years. At a safe distance we saw you as a unique being who carried interesting qualities quite uncommon for those of our generation. You pushed yourself over hurdles that would have made others give up. Striving to succeed, your drive was seen in your eyes.
This we has now become just me. And I still stand from a distance wondering.... I'd give it all up if I knew you would share some intellect and company. An admiration that endures, and yet you will walk on never knowing, never seeing. If only you knew how you stir my emotions and ease my mind. But to admit these things to you, would be admitting defeat. Why break and fall when there is no one there to catch you? A safe distance is probably where my feet should stay.... unless one day you can open your eyes and see what was always standing right in front of you. For now, the admiration will linger on, for I have reached the end of ideas of how to rid the feeling from my mind. If ever your eyes could read this, I hope you would see, that someone is hoping the best for you, wanting so badly to admit defeat in your arms, and comfort your soul......if ever you could just see.
This has been circling in my head for a long time and I guess it's about time I spit it out....
From afar people have looked at you and wondered what made your world spin brightly. Glancing at you as if you were unbreakable, unbeatable, and wise beyond your years. At a safe distance we saw you as a unique being who carried interesting qualities quite uncommon for those of our generation. You pushed yourself over hurdles that would have made others give up. Striving to succeed, your drive was seen in your eyes.
This we has now become just me. And I still stand from a distance wondering.... I'd give it all up if I knew you would share some intellect and company. An admiration that endures, and yet you will walk on never knowing, never seeing. If only you knew how you stir my emotions and ease my mind. But to admit these things to you, would be admitting defeat. Why break and fall when there is no one there to catch you? A safe distance is probably where my feet should stay.... unless one day you can open your eyes and see what was always standing right in front of you. For now, the admiration will linger on, for I have reached the end of ideas of how to rid the feeling from my mind. If ever your eyes could read this, I hope you would see, that someone is hoping the best for you, wanting so badly to admit defeat in your arms, and comfort your soul......if ever you could just see.
you are my dream
July 18, 2007:
This one is for you
For all that you do
To inspire me to be
Something different, something unique...
Hold you close in my heart
You know where to start
At my knees, to my fingers
And I just say please....
Think only of today and not tomorrow
Never knowing how long
You will be gone
But knowing one thing
That this feeling is strong....
You are my dream
Everything, every wish, every fantasy
Could wrap around you
Could surround you
Holding me tight in its grip
I can get lost
But the thought of you, and I never slip....
If only you could linger
A little longer in my fingers
If only the stars in the sky
Could shimmer in your eyes
Every day and I could be there to say
Don't ever let this fade away....
I wish to hear your thoughts
I wish to feel your pulse
I wish to wish sometimes it all wasn't so...
I would give you up if I knew
That everything about you wasn't true
That all those moments were easily erased
But the reality is..... You're everything.
This one is for you
For all that you do
To inspire me to be
Something different, something unique...
Hold you close in my heart
You know where to start
At my knees, to my fingers
And I just say please....
Think only of today and not tomorrow
Never knowing how long
You will be gone
But knowing one thing
That this feeling is strong....
You are my dream
Everything, every wish, every fantasy
Could wrap around you
Could surround you
Holding me tight in its grip
I can get lost
But the thought of you, and I never slip....
If only you could linger
A little longer in my fingers
If only the stars in the sky
Could shimmer in your eyes
Every day and I could be there to say
Don't ever let this fade away....
I wish to hear your thoughts
I wish to feel your pulse
I wish to wish sometimes it all wasn't so...
I would give you up if I knew
That everything about you wasn't true
That all those moments were easily erased
But the reality is..... You're everything.
like a lap dance
July 14, 2007:
when you move like you move with one
a beat to a beat and your hips represent
moving forward
moving back
dont be alone when you listen to this.
a hand moving up, a hand moving down
baby you never knew
how good you could have it
until I came along.
dancing left and you are dancing right
i'm confused by your moves
but then you pull me back in
dont be alone when you listen to this.
supernova in my mind
exploding star you are in my eyes
take it all and run
oh boy you got it going on tonight
moving me with a flow
moving me to your bed
boy you wish.
I dont understand the game you play
but I know I am
the mysterious woman
that you crave
So do me a favor
And kick that behavior
you dont want to be alone
when you listen to this.
Move me if you want me
Touch me and please me
but baby if I could only
let you be the only one
please dont be alone when you listen to this,
tonight.
when you move like you move with one
a beat to a beat and your hips represent
moving forward
moving back
dont be alone when you listen to this.
a hand moving up, a hand moving down
baby you never knew
how good you could have it
until I came along.
dancing left and you are dancing right
i'm confused by your moves
but then you pull me back in
dont be alone when you listen to this.
supernova in my mind
exploding star you are in my eyes
take it all and run
oh boy you got it going on tonight
moving me with a flow
moving me to your bed
boy you wish.
I dont understand the game you play
but I know I am
the mysterious woman
that you crave
So do me a favor
And kick that behavior
you dont want to be alone
when you listen to this.
Move me if you want me
Touch me and please me
but baby if I could only
let you be the only one
please dont be alone when you listen to this,
tonight.
heh
Whatever, i give up. No wait, I give in. :) Deal with it for life? Yes. Because you know why? It's a pretty picture in my mind forever and ever :) Who wouldn't want to take a pretty picture with them forever and ever? *hahahaha* "the boy you never wanted just steals your heart" Fucker. But he's kinda cute ;) Kinda? What am I saying... he's the hottest. "how you fooled me with those eyes" oh deary you do. Jerk. My brother gives me the best lines... "jerk". *hahahaha* I swear I'm a sucker for life... and frankly... I think I'm okay with it. I think ;) At least I have something good to think about in those boring meetings. And you thought i was always serious about work :) It's like walking around in the best mood with the best song dancing around my head. Life should always feel this good :) With a pretty picture in my head I think it could... maybe... ;)
non importa
July 10, 2007:
Non ce la faccio più.
I wish to just wash you all away.
Beneath my shoe beneath the dirt, god damn it.... It hurts.
I never wanted anything, ever, And now I want even less.
Stupid fucking life and stupid fucking ways,
I'm ready to fight it until it dies in my hands.
Sono proprio uno stupido.
It's a fucking pity too, because I do it to myself.
You just walk on, pompous and carefree,
Fuck it all..... I wish I could just wash it down the toilet.
Make my mind stop wandering,
I want only to focus,
But definitely not on you.
You are dirt, remember?
Unfortunately...
Mi manchi già.
Non ce la faccio più.
I wish to just wash you all away.
Beneath my shoe beneath the dirt, god damn it.... It hurts.
I never wanted anything, ever, And now I want even less.
Stupid fucking life and stupid fucking ways,
I'm ready to fight it until it dies in my hands.
Sono proprio uno stupido.
It's a fucking pity too, because I do it to myself.
You just walk on, pompous and carefree,
Fuck it all..... I wish I could just wash it down the toilet.
Make my mind stop wandering,
I want only to focus,
But definitely not on you.
You are dirt, remember?
Unfortunately...
Mi manchi già.
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