A Fools Let-Go

Hang your head and bite your lip Shut tight your eyes Don't let them see you cry. The fist in your stomach That knot in your throat The pain will ease - you have to let it go. Erase from your mind Every feeling, every emotion That moment you looked into those eyes That moment your hands grazed. Place every memory and thought, Of conversation and passion, Content, relief, happiness, and joy, In your hand. Hold it close to your heart Kiss it once for yourself Look to the sky and smile at the sun Open your hand and watch everything move with the wind Let all that once was blow past. It never was, it never will be, It was a sham.

Give It Up - Your Heart Is Too Big

It's a cruel, cruel world - and damn right in that statement. Since when did it become such a bad trait to possess a big heart? I've been told that independence is attractive. Personal wealth is also attractive. Fit and healthy body, sweet appearance and an appealing smile - all attractive qualities. But, mind you, do not add "big, giving heart" to that list. For that, that characteristic, is apparently a reason to turn away, turn off, shut down and forget. Almost as if to say, we are expected to have these tiny, weak hearts, that don't allow us to give, to take risks, to be straight forward, to say what we want and be real. No, tuck alllll that up and stick it in a box, and seal it up super tight. That kind of behavior is just - ridiculous. If we take risks, we beautiful, intelligent, independently successful women, we are fools. We are doubted. We are questioned. OR - we are adored in the beginning and crushed in mere seconds when it is learned that we can give, without your help, and we can be straight forward, without leaning on your arm or your shoulder. Even when we do as you ask, we agree that your position is correct, and we BEHAVE in that exact manner that you speak of - we are questioned, we are analyzed and we are pushed away. When did caring with a big heart become such a stupid and ridiculous trait to bear? I feel it has become my burden. Shall I become cold and callous, childish and dependent, with a tiny heart that is incapable of giving back or giving first? I fear I won't be able to be that person. And for that reason - I have probably lost a lot of people who I highly regarded. A loss for me, yes. A loss for them? I doubt that. I don't speak from a woeful or victim tone - I speak from a position that they, those who question, doubt, pull in and then push away, just do not know how to handle those who wish to care and give. They have been trained to doubt, to question, to not trust, to disbelieve. Maybe they had a past that taught them to push away something when really they should reel it in, embrace it, let it envelope them in kindness. And when you're hurting, the black clouds loom and seem seconds away from bursting over your beautiful world - why would you push away the kindness and warmth of someone who truly wants to care about you? The best friend is the one that is always there. It's unfortunate that some of us can not provide this because we are pushed away. Could it be we are overbearing? I doubt that. How can you consider a comforting hand, an ear, a shoulder, a moment to sing a beautiful song together, overbearing? The worst about all of this? If you push us away when we try to give and smile and laugh in harmony with you; if you push us away during your low moments when kind words are comforting and helpful; you may lose us entirely. If that is your main goal - you've succeeded. If you never knew it was your goal - you may know sooner than you can imagine. Big hearts can only be beaten up and bruised so much - until they tear and walk away.

Glue It Back Together

Life. What an interesting subject you are. You have twisted me in all directions and you have always kept me on my toes. You encouraged me to take leaps of faith and huge risks - life, education, love. And now you leave me wondering, again. It is like you enjoy the game of my heart. You make it pound till it's about to explode out of my chest and then you watch it fall to the floor and crack. And now, I pick myself up off the cold marble ground and glue it all back together. Life. When will you give me a little break? I am not sure I have enough super glue for this to happen, again.