I'm Not Sure

Not sure what to title this one.

I'm sitting here with a twinge in my stomach wondering how I got to this position in life. So many people around me are getting married or having babies (already being married, of course). And for the first time in my life, it is really making me feel... dull. I used to think, "oh good for you! yay, a wedding! let's drink and celebrate! yay, a baby! Let's drink (I'll drink for you) and celebrate and buy baby clothes!". Now I think, "Oh good for you! Am I okay not bringing a date to this wedding? a baby!? what a beautiful experience that I hope to not have for a long time!"

Of course, though, my mind is scattered. I have never thought myself as one who is "looking", but I think that I am. I am wholeheartedly looking for the right one. I have accepted marriage as a good thing. I am seeing the good ways of companionship, remembering the times when I was so lucky, and quietly hoping as big as my heart can be, that I can find a companion, and soon. Am I desperate? No. Because I like my little life and doing my things without asking or saying or agreeing. But those times where you want that moment, two people riding in a car and they look at each other, taking a moment to appreciate one another, or deciding to take the furry babies out for a walk and holding hands. Yes - that right there is what I'm seeking. Too much? Some may say. Some may even tell me that I need to cool it and let life be life. Others will say to go seek out that greatness. Most say to be patient and that is what I usually follow. But when things around me are screaming marriage, babies, happiness, oh my!, I can't help but pout a little and wish I could be screaming one too.

But maybe not so much for the babies. Not yet anyways.

bitter sweet reality

I feel like your face is haunting me. I've seen it recently and it lifted my heart. And I hate that that was the feeling that overwhelmed me. I believe we all have one person in our life who will face us and that one person will be our "one". It's the saddest moment in our life when we realize we can't really be with the "one" but instead have to remain at a distance. When your heart leaps every time you see them or the conversations are never boring, dull or awkward. When you realize they are the "one" but you cannot do a thing, it's like a rock was thrown at your stomach and you fall backward and let the weight take away your ability to breathe.

How do you move forward or think there may be another? If years have passed and there is no change, it makes you wonder. Was that it? Am I destined to settle? Will someone ever outshine him?

I can only be hopeful. I can only think that one day, yes, a new "one" will come along.

Until that time, I think I'm okay with thinking about you. I'm okay with wondering what I life would be like with you. I'm okay with thinking you might see me differently and want something lasting from me. But I also am content at wishing you complete happiness. Maybe I can find that happiness too.

Different State of Mind

Somehow this place always brings back the balance in my life. I remember the simple things in life and enjoy the tranquility of nature. Where I reside, I have toxic emotions and toxic thoughts. It's obviously not very healthy. So maybe that's why I have such a strong desire to start somewhere fresh. Maybe somewhere where I know no one and I have to build my base. Along with balance, this place also makes me remember that I am who I am and I like that. Once you meet me, you know me. My writing is an eighth of me and is representative of my creative outlet. Sometimes I forget that I do not need to bend in order for someone to like me - either they do, or they don't. And if they don't, it's their loss. And everyone must think that. Everyone must have the confidence in themselves that they deserve the utmost best. We may be picky and we may diversify our taste if we think it will appeal to someone - but we must always remember to remain true to ourselves.

I think it's all the green here that makes me more aware. It's the fresh air and the calmness. It's those moments where you just want to open the windows, let the sun in and drink your coffee. No grabbing the cell phone or checking work email. I think I really need to focus on bringing that back into my life. That's the fresh start I need. Green.