I'm Not Sure

Not sure what to title this one.

I'm sitting here with a twinge in my stomach wondering how I got to this position in life. So many people around me are getting married or having babies (already being married, of course). And for the first time in my life, it is really making me feel... dull. I used to think, "oh good for you! yay, a wedding! let's drink and celebrate! yay, a baby! Let's drink (I'll drink for you) and celebrate and buy baby clothes!". Now I think, "Oh good for you! Am I okay not bringing a date to this wedding? a baby!? what a beautiful experience that I hope to not have for a long time!"

Of course, though, my mind is scattered. I have never thought myself as one who is "looking", but I think that I am. I am wholeheartedly looking for the right one. I have accepted marriage as a good thing. I am seeing the good ways of companionship, remembering the times when I was so lucky, and quietly hoping as big as my heart can be, that I can find a companion, and soon. Am I desperate? No. Because I like my little life and doing my things without asking or saying or agreeing. But those times where you want that moment, two people riding in a car and they look at each other, taking a moment to appreciate one another, or deciding to take the furry babies out for a walk and holding hands. Yes - that right there is what I'm seeking. Too much? Some may say. Some may even tell me that I need to cool it and let life be life. Others will say to go seek out that greatness. Most say to be patient and that is what I usually follow. But when things around me are screaming marriage, babies, happiness, oh my!, I can't help but pout a little and wish I could be screaming one too.

But maybe not so much for the babies. Not yet anyways.