In Case You are Not Happy

I have a hit a warm spot. For once, in a very long time, I have had a whole day of happy. The arguments that were had, the spats that occurred, the miscommunication and misunderstandings - they just did not cause me to crumble like usual. And that song that used to pull and tug at my heart because it made me think of someone who ran over my heart with a dumptruck? Well - I felt nothing. I mean, I felt something, but it was NOT heartache or pain or sadness. It was more like, "damn, I used to get weak at this song... its too good to get weak over and I'm too good to fall for it." HA!

You see, this book I'm reading actually has some useful tips. It kind of says when you are at a point when you are being hard on yourself or you are being down, to quickly capture that thought and give it the reality check and turn it into a positive. So when I say "damn I just don't deserve that" I quickly capture that stupid phrase and say "No. I do deserve it. Just because my past has not been too great and I may not be proud of the things I have done, does not mean I do not deserve good things that are right in front of me." The book says to write these things down - but I have not done that. I should - but I haven't. Instead I catch myself, and I backup, and I re-do my thought process. And I can't believe that I'm starting to see it work.

Like tonight, I have an appointment with the dude. The last encounter ended on a very serious note (when doesn't it though?) and totally caught me off guard. I was told I need to think about the why's and the how's and so I did. But to be honest, just TALKING about the issue made me feel a lot better. And spitting it out and hearing someone give me unbiased feedback helped even more. I can answer the why's and the how's but I can also say it's been fixed - I've let it go. I have taken it away from my shoulders because it is not a burden I should carry. And my oh MY I can't believe I can say that and believe it.

There is a deep topic for tonight that I really hope I can get some insight towards. It's been weighing on my mind for some time and I'd like to release it. It's like my dude has the switch that opens up my imaginary little bubble and releases those bad, wierd, crazy things from my head. Damn it feels good.

I'm slowly learning to take baby steps in life and not to rush the pace. I think I rushed through school and college and thought that being on this one path with one goal would be the best thing ever - maybe for some, but apparently not for me. I'm the uptight one who needs to loosen up the grip on the bar. And I'm loosening up and feeling a lot better, lighter, about life. My high standards on life and people are slowly chipping away - not that I'm losing them, but I am stripping away the unrealistic ones. And my expectations? Well, workin' on those but I think that that is just a huge part of ME. Take it away and what do you get......... thin air probably.

This whole process is even better when you find someone in your life who took you by complete surprise. I kicked and fought for weeks! I still do fight it, but a HUGE part of me stopped fighting and realized that the surprise was okay, it was right, and it was totally good for me. I'd really like to go forward with this - and I mean it - hands and feet all in - a real one this time, no thinking about other people, no eyes wandering through the crowd to find someone to eye flirt with, no saying/thinking "I want my cake and to eat it too" - it's a do for me and for him and that's IT. All in. I want it. I want to stop fighting it. (I know why I'm fighting it - I'm working on that.) So I'm hoping that all this happiness continues - not the uber happy that makes you want to scream - but the content happy that is good for your body. Content is not usually a word I like - but this content is different. This content has sparks and toe-curling moments - whereas past content moments were pretty blah. I like this new content - it feels marvelous.

I wonder if I should just tell my dude to come read my blog. Hm. That would interesting....

So in case you are having a Monday and you are not happy - just think about those lost souls who have it worse than you and really can't eat jelly beans while they work or listen to House music while they draft documents. And think about tomorrow because it's Earth day and we really should try to be more green.