listening to jaxx

Do unto others what you would want done to you. I give, you give. I bend and compromise, I expect you to do the same. Why shouldn't I? If I'm going to go out of my way to do something for YOU, why am I not allowed to expect you to do the same for me? I'm not keeping score, but I do remember certain things. Frankly, I don't want to keep score. But when behavior is consistent, I'm going to start noticing. And when I start noticing, you become a negative element in my life. And now.... now I'm officially in the process of getting rid of these negative elements. And man, this is tough. It's like taking that warm, soft, home-baked, fresh-from-the-oven, melt-in-your-mouth cookie and putting it in the garbage. Except in my world, I'm that awesome cookie, giving the world sweet wonderful things... and now putting parts of the world in the garbage. The toughest part about this is actually PUTTING those things in the garbage. I'm having trouble with this part.... I can admit that it needs to go, thats it not worth my keeping anymore, but to actually throw it away - damn, its hard. I keep questioning myself. Like, do I really get rid of you because I feel like you did something a good friend really wouldn't do? Or, do I brush it off, again, and move past it because, well, no one is perfect? I'm not expecting perfection... but the way I look at it, if I did that to you, how would you feel? That in itself is how I see life. Right now, as I sit here, I know of a particular person who totally used me. Yes, used me. I gave in to this person SO many times. I did so on my dime and ONLY at their particular time. Did I realize what was happening when it was happening? No, of course not, I was too wrapped up in the happy shit. Taking a step back, now, I see it was all just shit. This person took advantage of my kindness (and I'm not the only one who believes this, by the way) and used it to fulfill their needs - leaving me constantly wondering. Not cool. But because there is so much history, I'm still left wondering.... do I throw them in the garbage, or keep them at the curb, because maybe, just maybe, they will come around, realize their wrongs, and make it all right? I know, it's impossible to think they would change... I KNOW this. But my still thinks about it as if it could happen.

So here I sit, pondering the garbage. Its not meeting my expectations. Frankly, its not meeting anything, I'm only meeting IT at its whim (this goes for many things, not just the example cited above). I want the garbage to go away so that I can focus on the beautiful possibility standing right in front of me. The beautiful possibility that totally snuck up on me and took me by surprise. Totally by surprise. So much so that I feel like a hypocrit for certain things said in the past only because this surprise... totally came to me when I least expected it.

Deary.... this is too deep. I need to go eat cheetos.