Bitch of a Blog

As you all are quite numbingly aware, I have most recently been forced to analyze myself in a way that I have never done before. This causes me to think outloud about why I think the way I do and why I make certain decisions. One of the major topics in my life: relationships. Oh good god kick me now for I feel that this is one area that I have failed miserably. Since my divorce as a wee child (age 23) my relationships have been a turbulent mess. And only recently have I come to realize, slightly, why its so messy.
1) I have high expectations of myself, therefore, I request that the person I am to be with have expectations of themself AND meet my expectation of them. Oh lordy, big request huh? Yeah, I'm realizing this. I'm realizing that apparently I expect too much from others - though I really have NO idea how to fix this, what actions to take to make this less, or, not a hinderance to relationships. So, I'm stuck on this one.
2) The world is full of people. So why does this matter? Because... I want a relationship where my knees go weak and my heart flutters like CRAZY when I see the person. Is this too much too ask? I think some people would say yes. But I'll tell you what... I have experienced it. HA! Sadly nothing came of this. So what does this "world full of people" bullshit have to do with my perspective on relationships? Well, I believe that because it is possible to have a relationship with someone who makes you weak in the knees and gives you that stupid butterfly feeling in your stomach, that it CAN happen, and it should be something I strive for. I'm quite aware that is sounds rather broad and high-standardish of me, but, ya know... there are so many people in the world, how do you know that you WON'T come across that person who makes you feel weak in the knees and pitter-patter in the heart stupid? Therefore - how is it possible for me to be with someone who does NOT provide these things to me, when I know and believe that someone is out there who CAN provide those things (even though I really don't know who they are)?
3) Settling. I think people, older people, settled. Like they just met someone and fell in love in an instant, got married months later and are still together. But I think they did this because they had a perspective of the here-and-know. They settled into married life. Is settling bad? Well, that's completely debateable. It's bad for me - that's for sure. I won't settle until its the right time and right person. Thus, I can't settle with just one person who is hum-drum good and great and wonderful and awesome if there is NO weak in the knees stupid dangerously madly cross-eyed adoration involved. And even if I did run into this person, I still don't know if I would settle. I think settling is something from older generations that is failing miserably in the younger generations. The divorce rate is a great piece of evidence to back up that statement.

Wrapping it all up... this bitch of a blog is quite simply, a bitch. I don't know how to place all of this in my mind properly and whether or not I need to change my perspective. That's why I got my dude. He's great.

But this bitch of a blog means nothing in the world right now... especially as I sit here and listen to NPR and the discussion of our death toll in Iraq hitting 4,000 troops. Yeah my worries/perspectives/crazy-minded-madness means jack shit right now. Good lord I just want Jason and Rob home NOW.