If You Could See It Now

August 19, 2007:

In my room which I minimally decorated, I would keep the lights low, almost just a glimmer, and lay in my bed. My stereo would blast only the purest sounds that my ears could handle, the soothing voice of an artist so admirable and inspiring that if you moved you missed the melody, the harmony, the catch to the riff that could break your soul. I would close my eyes and let all the muscles in my body relax, tension was not necessary when the deep feeling of desire poured through from fingertips to toes. Sitting up I would draw my knees to my chest, hanging my head as if in despair, at a moment tears could fall from my eyes, but the voice kept me steady and I bit my lip in thoughtful comfort. "Baby, light my way." Beyond the exterior of the walls that kept my mood in a box, the thoughts meandered between souls, discussing the nonsense and bullshit of world class hysteria and societal fuckups. A flick of my finger and the sound became louder, surrounding me as if it were to lift my body to a higher realm of hunger for something better than true existence. My fingers curled inwards, creating two fists ready to beat the world. Anger never filled my soul, but a drive to fight and move forward suffocated my mind. Stillness was never an option, I sat listening and pounded through thoughts that swirled in my mind never ready to escape from my lips. If I could find you, if you could pull me close and stare into my eyes, if you could steal me from my dreams and make my nightmares fade, I would cave into your arms and never seek evil that slips through my veins. Holding my knees closer to my chest I would think of the person who could take me away, and as I let the tears fall from my eyes and dampen my cheeks, I hoped with the strength like the melody that beat through my ears, that he would open his eyes and find me standing right there.... where I've always been.