September 17, 2007:
Weighing heavy on my chest, the ideas and thoughts still rolling around, forgive me for being so bold. Hunger has faded and my energy has drained. I want only to sit quietly and listen. Listen to everything that moved, everything that made me take each step to lead me where I am right now. Listening is remembering, and remembering is everything. Remembering how I got to this point in my life, remembering the time where I saw him for the first time. And remembering with clarity that defines the moment with bitter hurt, the time he walked away A year past and gone, and now I am without. I am without the being that used to be. I am without me.... This cloud that hovers over me, at times engulfing me entirely, suffocates my mind and my heart. I move forward slowly, understanding that time is my greatest ally. I have minor moments where the world fades away and I can see the smile that makes me believe everything will be okay. But those moments are so few and undefined, I push them out of my mind as soon as I say goodbye. Escape and movement is my strength at the moment, constantly finding the next place to be and the next interesting moment. Move and not falter, that is the direction I am to go to escape this cloud and the moments that made me weak. Forgive me for admitting the truth, I'm tucking it away as if it never happened and I'm going forward. Passing you and everything that was, everything that made question myself. A minor moment had and gone. Maybe you can find me again and untuck what I folded so neatly away. Until then, I'm off to find me....
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