5 months later...

And my world is totally upside down. The place where I felt I fit in lasted only 10 seconds. I was kicked in the ass, again, with reality. My perspective has changed. My point of view has changed. I realized that doing things for yourself, and making yourself happy, are incredibly important. My life has turned a 180 and I'm now dealing with every feeling under the sun that I thought I never would feel. I'm losing a part of my life that has been with me for almost 4 years. It has seen me change and grow from my late teens and into my early twenties. But now it will have to watch the changes from the distance, because the next chapter can only include me. I cannot have another soul walking down my path, for my path only has room for one. And this was the most difficult decision and realization I have ever faced. Where I once thought I knew who I was and what I wanted to be, and to do, it has all changed. When I strip away the elements of a relationship, family, and environment, I am left with....... yes. A blank. I cannot describe who I am without those elements. And for me to continue on with my life, without risking the likelihood of feeling miserable in five years, I need to find out more about myself. A year ago I could envision myself in the future as a mom with two kids, living in a nice, and comfortable, house practicing law. Now I see myself with just me. I know what I want to do career-wise, but I do not see children. And at this point, I do not see a partner, or one that I am married to. Is this weird? To me it is - but talking to others I have realized that it is okay. Because I am young, and that is the biggest reality hitting me. I am young.

Lately I feel like I should be upset, hurt, angry, depressed, and heartbroken, all the time - but I'm not. In fact I have these elements in my life that are keeping me incredibly happy. Do I feel like I deserve these elements? Not so much - but I embrace them because I was told that I need to make myself happy, and I believe that. No matter how hard my situation is and no matter how many struggles I am about to go through, I am allowed to have things in my life that make me smile and keep me happy. Denying myself those things will only make me non-human. And wasn't one of the problems with my situation that I felt I was always putting someone, or something, before me? Here I am putting myself first and I'm getting these happy things thrown in my lap. It's fucking fabulous - yet 50% of me still feels it to be unfair. While the devils in my head battle out who will win (happiness or depression), I find myself in a happy medium trying to get through day by day. Life is good, even if it is a battle for the future.

Currently Listening to:
RHCP Disc 2: Stadium Arcadium