You know those times...

When you realize you have been stupid all along? Like you are kicked in the stomach by your own will, finally realizing your foolishness? Fucking hate times like that.

Like when I thought everything was kosher and I decided to be nice. But why?? Thinking the niceness would come back to me, I guess. Errrr. Wrong. I give people multiple chances in life because I feel that one time failing is not enough to kick you out of my life. Twice failing, maybe. But I'll still give you another chance. I run into an issue when I'm nice... I give when you ask, I go above and beyond because I think it would benefit you (lord knows, an article of such nature would NOT benefit me) and yet right now, right this moment, I don't feel you deserve it. Two days ago I would have said you deserved a fucking gold platter. I would have said you deserve so much... and I would have given you buckets of coins if I could. But today, not so much. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to do good with you. I'm tired of you never saying thank you. I'm so tired of giving in to you and being nice.... only to realize, I'm such a fucking idiot. Because if you really wanted that from me, I would not have to wonder, I would know without a doubt. And maybe, even more so, if you wanted my continued kindness, you wouldn't hide and you'd tell me so, personally. And if that happened, maybe I would continue to make a huge effort on your behalf because that's what I do... I give. Out of the bottom of my heart, I give, with the only exception that I receive kindness in return. I'm not one to expect "things" or anything of that nature - simple kindness in return. I guess that's too much to ask?

Or like those times when you think you are doing the right thing and it turns out... you're just doing the wrong thing? I fight a lot of things in my life. And I tend to fight the good things over the bad things - and I know this is a little backwards. I fight them without realizing it until I feel that nasty kick in the ass.... and I'm on the ground looking up wondering WTF? Of course. I then realize why I'm on the ground staring at the clouds with birds spinning over my head. I was fighting something good and really, I should have just been accepting it. Ah, life, how wonderfully mind-fucking and twisted it is.

I could continue with these examples of life but let's face it... I think we all have moments where we are kicked in the stomach and left wondering why. The thing that boggles my mind though is... why? Why do people in your life whom you are nice to, why do they do it to you? Why are people blind to kindness thrown at them? Or even better, why are people okay to take and take and just can't say thank you? Grow up and be mature about it - you fucking hide behind rocks and trust me, the niceness will go away forever, I promise.