Lost

August 03, 2007:

I sit here and close my eyes, shaking my head and thinking "damn I'm a fool." I cannot fathom a reason or decipher an explanation, it's just the reality of the situation. I got sucked in too far and now I'm paying the price. If only I had known that it would go this way - if only I knew you were a game, nothing more. Trying to drown my thoughts with words and music, and nothing seems to block the nonsensical movements in my head. Pathetic and pointless - yet swimming in my head with such fury. I know they are mine - the pain, the ache, the foolishness - it's all my doing. I can't seem to stop the behavior. It lingers in my mind as something to be removed, and when I feel like I'm ready to put it in the garbage, it bites me in the ass. And when it does... I'm left standing in my own pool of doubt. If I try to be cautious, I feel I'm being too safe. If I try to be adventurous, I feel like I'm losing control. I wish I could find the middle ground, win my world, and quit spinning in circles. If only a touch could stop the confusion, a kiss to hinder the blow.... but the fall hurts more even if you are caught. I wish it weren't so...